Amid all the speculation as to the cause/acceleration of global warming, I would like to offer my own thought because I think with some period of publication it will be universally regarded as both groundbreaking and true in the ultimate sense. My hypothesis springs out of the much whispered about, though rarely publicly discussed, theory of over-population. People are always so afraid to tell others to stop having so many damn babies. Sure, its true that sweet little babies grow up into energy consumers and that those energy consumers are responsible for ridiculous amounts of carbon emitted into the atmosphere, but is that really all there is to it? I think not. In fact, what I believe is that, even though the earth has never before had so many people on it, it would be more accurate to say that never before has the earth had so many women going through menopause on it. Think about it. All those hot flashes and night sweats, hundreds of millions of women like miniature nuclear reactors putting out obscene amounts of heat--the polar ice caps never had a chance.
So now that you can see what my post is really about, men, you may go back to your sports page.
Women, you may be wondering, “What does she know about menopause, young thing that she is?” Well, my friends, at long last, I have received an official diagnosis of perimenopause, only two and a half years since I began having symptoms. And what a ride these last couple of years have been. I’ve had surgery, been screened for various cancers, and been put on high dose hormones to shock my system back into shape. After all with symptoms like hot flashes, night sweats, irregular periods, moodiness, nausea, frequent anovulation, et al. what else could be? Certainly not perimenopause. Premature menopause is very rare. “You are simply too young,” they said.
“Well don’t you think it could be? I have all the symptoms,” I replied.
“In fifteen years, I would say absolutely, perimenopause. But you’re in your early 30’s. So we’ll keep looking.”
“Can’t I be that rare person? There is a name for it, so somebody must have been through ‘the change’ early.”
“Hmmpf. We’ll keep looking.”
Finally, a year ago, the 4th doctor said, “I think we should keep an eye on this. It could be perimenopause. You have celiac disease and that puts you at a higher risk for premature menopause*.” I thought I was losing my mind. Every other doctor knew that I had celiac disease. This one was a keeper. She put me on herbs and a small amount of hormones. When I didn’t react well to the hormones, she took me off the hormones and gave me an entirely herbal and vitamin supplement regimen. For nine months, this worked wonders. Then the symptoms came back. I had the choice between an expensive herbal treatment and another shot at a different hormone treatment that my insurance would cover. I went with the hormones. I guess I just got sick of spending so much out of pocket on my health care. Even after reading the online brochure’s list of side effects and drug interactions, I still figured it was worth a try to save $70 a month.
Well that was a copay wasted! In less than a week, I began feeling anxious, irritable, really nauseated after every meal, my contacts weren’t working right and late in the day they would get stuck to my eyes. The worst was that I developed some very irrational OCD symptoms. After and unnerving trip to the grocery store where I struggled to leave the body care aisle, fearful that I had deeply offended the items I didn’t buy by not having chosen them to take home, I knew something was up. That night I had heart palpitations and tightness in my chest. I then proceeded to yell at my husband for ten minutes (which, by the way, was completely uncalled for on my part) after which I finally confessed my grocery store experience. As I was admitting how miserable--mind and body--I had felt over the past 3 days, it dawned on me, the list of side effects. Steven had read them too and was forming the same conclusion. The hormones were making me crazy.
I said, “Oh my God, that’s what’s wrong with my contacts!” I had been planning to go to the eye doctor to have my prescription checked. After five months with the same contact lens Rx, my eyes seemed to be going haywire.
“Go off of it,” we agreed.
Within about three days I felt largely normal. I started taking my herbs and supplements once again and added the more expensive herb into the mix. The hit in the pocketbook didn’t feel so great, but I do. Truth be told, I would give almost anything to not have anxiety. I will even live with night sweats and whacko cycles.
Since I have had the privilege of starting menopause early, I will be granted the added benefit of experiencing it for a longer period of time. It’s only fair. That puts me at about half way through according to a woman I recently met who also went through precocious menopause. (See. PM is not that rare.) So I should be a seasoned expert when all my age mates begin to feel the burn. Feel free to call.
But ladies, I have diverged from my intended point. As in most situations the future of the world is in our hands. You must do your part to halt global warming. I am not suggesting at the first hint of power rising up through your chests that you all go jump off bridge (no matter how appealing that idea will seem at the time.) Instead, I suggest you see your herbalist or naturopath and call every one of your women friends over the age of 50 for a little sympathy. Because the only things that are going to save this world from overheating and you from losing your mind is black cohosh, chaste tree berry, a pint of Purely Decadent soy ice cream and lots of girl time!
A special note to the men who stuck with this post until the end: I’m sorry. But this would be a good time for you to make some friends or take up a hobby. You’re going to need somewhere to go from time to time. Good luck.
* I prefer to call premature menopause by its other name, precocious menopause. It’s the difference between saying “you jumped the gun” and “you’re ahead of your time.”
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