A girlfriend of mine just sent me an email the other day regarding some horrifying information she saw on Oprah. Oprah is the master at finding ways to make us feel less safe in our lives. Your husband might be secretly gay or dating online. The locks on your doors aren't enough to keep real criminals out. And on and on. We sort of know all the possibilities don't we? We have to filter out some of those thoughts in order to live our lives. Otherwise we would be in a constant adrenaline rush, never trusting anyone, never developing deep love relationships, never allowing our children to individuate for fear that they may get hurt or make the wrong choices. The filter exists to keep us healthy, to prevent neurosis. Instead of simply providing basic information, advice and skills to help us stay alert and prepared for the worst of it all, the Oprah show gives us nightmares, ruins our afternoons, has some women checking their husband's computers for evidence. This is highly uncool and its sensationalist. Maybe if they can scare us just enough we will be awake and prepared for everything.
The particular episode in question covered pedophiles that prey on infants. The details shared by my friend were graphic and horrifying and highly inappropriate for a network television audience. And what did it do to help parents? I doubt it did more than encourage parents to avoid date night. So I want to give you some pratical advice from experience and from the books I have read on the topic.
A few years back a close family friend of ours was arrested and jailed for pedophilia (prepubescent and pubescent boys that we know of). Long before this happened, we had left our baby daughter with that family for an evening while we went on a date. But something happened that night when I picked her up. I got a "feeling" and it stuck with me. It didn't feel like a block hitting me in the head, just a quiet little murmur of discontent. Something he said about changing her stinky diaper, I think, and the way he said it felt off. When my husband and I were trying to find a sitter a few months later, he suggested that family. I said immediately, "I don't want them to watch *our daughter* anymore." He asked why and I said, "I don't know, just a feeling. I'm not comfortable. I'd rather stay home." He was open to hearing that and we didn't go out that night. A few years later that friend was arrested and convicted in a case involving 5 boys, one unidentified who only existed in a picture.
A year later, our daughter was in a sunday school class with a male teacher. In the first few classes it became obvious that our outgoing little girl was sad to go and a bit withdrawn when leaving. When we asked her why, she told us that she didn't like the teacher, Brian. I had noticed that he was always picking her up, but I thought it was because she was having a hard time adjusting. We immediately took her out of the class and told the supervisor why we were moving her to the other class. He didn't come back as a teacher and I don't even see him at church anymore.
My point is that at as hard as these people are to detect in our society, we do get inklings and bits of info that feel "off". You have to FOLLOW YOUR GUT when it comes to your kids. Learn the difference between a gut feeling and your regular parental worry. And WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT THINK! Even if it is a family member. Your child gets only one childhood. Better to be safe and offend someone than sorry and still be friends with a pedophile. If there had not been another sunday school class to put her in, I would have taken her into church with me rather than risk her safety. Also, LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. If your child is outgoing but becomes upset or withdrawn with certain people, that is a sure sign to move them out of contact with that person. The same goes for when they directly ask to avoid certain persons or circumstances. Doing this communicates to your child that you will listen to them when they are afraid and that, more importantly, YOU WILL TAKE ACTION on their behalf.
Empowering your child to tell you her feelings or to tell you when someone says "don't tell your mom or dad", being an obviously vigilent parent, being willing to offend when your gut tells you to do so--these all send messages to pedophiles that your child is not easy prey. And pedophiles always skip over the kids that might get them caught. This is the best advice I can give. Good luck.
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