Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father

I am continually asking myself the question what the commandment to honor your parents really means. Does it mean we have to do whatever they say or does it mean that we have to simply hear them out? What if what your parents say is generally abusive or rails against your values? What if they use their words to try to control, manipulate or harrass you?

Does it mean they are free to show up at your front door unannounced and permitted to stay for as long as they like? Or does it mean that we cloth and shelter them in their old age or infirmity? Does it mean you can't get angry, or if you do get angry, you're not allowed to say? What does this mean?

I am hoping it means--and I say this rather boldly--that you have to treat them like human beings, not like your nation's dictator. I believe in working toward forgiveness, especially when it is asked for. I believe in actively trying to understand another person's perspective and where they came from. I believe in recognizing the imperfect nature of humanity and letting the little stuff slide. I believe in honoring the wisdom that sometimes comes with age.

I don't think honoring involves "sucking it up" for the sake of harmony, or overlooking serious offensives, or accepting or allowing habitually hurtful behavior to go unchecked. The brownie points parents get for making a life quickly get used up. Parents who want respect should treat their children with respect. Parents who want forgiveness should practice forgiveness, not save "evidence" of "wrong doing" for later use. And for that matter, parents who want forgiveness should change their hurtful behavior and entitled attitudes.

Since I became a mother, I have desperately tried to earn the trust and respect of my children. I show that I can be trusted and I act respectably and with respect for them, then they know to trust me and to respect me. When I messed up, even when they were babies and toddlers, I said I was sorry and made every effort not to repeat my mistake. Just because I put a roof over their head and feed them my job isn't done. And it certainly doesn't buy me the right to say and do whatever I like without taking responsibility for my actions. I've tried to teach them that every action has a consequence, good or bad. That applies to parents too.