Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship. Over the years I've made and lost several friendships. Some of them I thought would last forever and some I didn't see lasting beyond whatever social situation brought us together. Other times I've thought, I would love to get to know this person better, but ultimately didn't. Aside from my husband, I have three friendships that have weathered pretty much all the storms of the last 15+ years of my life. One is my best friend since I was 5. Another I met in junior high and the last I met in junior high, but didn't really come to love until I was in my early twenties. In addition to those friends I've had four other close friendships that either fizzled out completely or died and came back to life in a different form. Not a huge head count really. Of course I acknowledge that I'm an introvert and therefore not prone to socializing in groups where one might make new friends, but still I wonder if it isn't a low number.
Now this isn't to say that I don't have other friends, cause I do. I have a gaggle of girlfriends that I love despite my hermit-like behavior. But lately I've taken to wondering how long each of them will be in my life. I'm not a big party thrower or event organizer; I'm a homebody. So that means I don't see many people often. Thank God for email! So far I've managed to be lucky. They still respond.
In looking back, as I was telling a friend earlier today, I can recognize that I have had limits to my ability to be a friend. I am insanely loyal, which a good thing, but also a curse. I hang around a lot longer than I should sometimes. The truth is that I have this horrible misconception about people. I imagine that everyone on the planet is working toward their best selves. (Not perfection--their best self.) When someone I know isn't, the story line for me is always the same.
When my friend hits a rough patch, I'm there to be supportive, to offer perspective and to tell it like I see it. After all it is hard to see the big picture when you're emotional. This can be very irritating. It is especially irritating to those friends who are content to suffer, to stay in difficult situations rather than to change their circumstances. Eventually, I get tired of hearing the same old complaints and I lose patience. I drop out or I get angry when I'm entreated for another round of "poor me". I stop being a friend. I'm a "shit or get off the pot" kinda gal, not to be crude. I don't know how to be a friend when adversity is a constant choice.
The people that I tend to have long term friendships with are people who are self-reflective, honest about who they are, and they continue to challenge themselves. They may be suffering, but they are trying to find their path out of that suffering. In turn, they offer support, frank advice and perspective to me when I'm in need. They don't just agree with me or support my poor decisions out of fear or to avoid conflict. They tend to ask me the hard questions, whether they are about my world view or myself. They take for granted that I want to live my best life as my best self. They are compassionate and reasonable and forgiving. I feel lucky.
So I'm recognizing that not everyone is into change and I'm asking myself if it is unreasonable of me to choose my friends based on this ideal. It doesn't feel like a black and white answer is out there. I mean I don't make friends with people who are racist or animal abusers. I don't feel comfortable with faith healers or people who are really materialistic. So is it also reasonable for me to choose friends based on their attitude toward life? I'm thinking yes, but I'm not really sure. I value accepting people where they are at. The question is, is it possible to accept people where they are at and also not be their friend?
Comments and thoughts appreciated.
1 comment:
I meant to comment on this sooner. I have thought about it a lot since I read it a few days ago. I never had a lot of friends as a kid as we moved schools all the time. When I was older, I had my sis (twin) and family and didn't really become aware that I didn't have friends until my husband, wee one and pregnant me moved out of state. One of the most life changing experiences as far as a shift in my thinking and how I view the world was out of a friendship I never would have thought I would have. It was with my neighbor who yelled a lot, had shady people over some times, was all about appearance and a little dramatic to say the least. She wasn't a philosophizing type friend. But she came over to my house and folded laundry with me and held my baby and we talked and talked about her and me. She was a great person and the more I got to know her and her background, the more I knew she was doing the best she could with what she had. We are not super close and I save the deep issues of life for others' ears but I sure love this lady. I hope to have all kinds of friends. As long as there is mutual respect, I'm good. Some people I just don't have much in common with and I have a hard time with people who don't seem to be on a journey but to have arrived. My friendships ebb and flow but I glean a lot from my friends! Great post. :-)
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