Identity 2.0

Yesterday morning I didn't want to get out of bed.  I had been dreaming before my alarm clock went off and in that dream I was feeling horribly insecure.  The insecurity manifested in all its usual forms--me doubting the love and veracity of those around me particularly highlighted this time around.  But this time something was different.  I was able to recognize in the dream that I was overreacting, that I was letting fear dictate how I saw the world around me.  Later I was sitting at a loom and I was weaving, something I've never done before, but have always wanted to try.  As I sat there I felt a sort of excitement at the thoughts racing in my mind.  I felt the world of possibilities and I felt the joy of trying something new and creative, of getting to know myself.

After the alarm went off about 3 times I knew I had to get up or I would miss my therapy appointment.  That was not an option.  Unfortunately, therapy around the holidays is in high demand and the number of slots thins out because, apparently, psychologists want to spend time with their families too.  So I threw my legs over the side of the bed.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my identity.  For pretty much all of my life I was trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, to be pleasing, to be "normal".  All the while I've known that who I am inside is a bit quirky and non-conformist.  When I moved to Oregon and later went to college there, I felt free to be myself for the first time.  I got to play with my identity, explore my interests, find strengths I never knew I had.

Then I met my husband.  We fell in love, got married, had some kids, I quit my job.  I made all of these choices with joy in my heart.  What I didn't understand was how those choices would impact my identity. ***Is this topic tired?  I feel like women have been grappling with this for decades, longer even.  Still I didn't know!  I didn't know who I would be or how I would react to the constantly changing environment I had created where children grow and marriage changes and freedom is something you have if you are selfish and inattentive, but certainly not if you are a good mom.  I absolutely didn't understand myself as an introvert or that having children meant never being alone again.  My limited amount of social energy was expended each day in care taking and my reserves were exhausted in no time.  So I let go of my friendships and eventually my aspirations. My creativity died in the noise and fatigue.  I'm not saying that it wasn't worth it.  I made my choices out of love for my children and my husband.  What I am saying is that I lost my identity in the process of becoming someone's mother and wife, or rather I abandoned it to take on the identity of mother and wife.  ***Yuck!  I can't believe I just wrote that.  I'm a feminist for God's sake.  But it's all true. 

"So now what?"  That's the question I've been asking myself for awhile now.  My kids are getting older and they don't need me as much.  I want to find a purpose, a meaning, to my life that isn't about being theirs or his.

Recently I've gotten out some of my old self.  I was a doula at a birth this last month and I've liberated some of my hobby supplies from their places in storage.  I'm trying to explore, to revisit, to "find myself" and to find a meaningful path that I can carry forward as my identity of parent becomes less primary.  My therapist told me to order Strength Finders 2.0 to gain some additional info about myself. So in the afternoon I did just that, and while I was at it, I bought a loom!