Been Awhile

I haven’t written any posts lately, and, quite frankly, I don’t know when I will again. For the last 2 months I’ve been struggling with major depression. I haven’t been down this road in 15 years and I thought I was done with it. I have had terrible anxiety at times and have skated across the blahs, but this darkness is all its own. I had forgotten.

I’m not really ready or interested in going into the details of why this depression came about. I have a lot of work to do to get to that point. Suffice it to say, I’m digging my way out, rebuilding my individual landscape to resemble the times when I’ve been at my strongest and happiest. Of course I’m also going to therapy again. I wish I weren’t, but it’s worth it to push hard and gain perspective. I’m constantly amazed at how many “unique” feelings and experiences that I’ve had that aren’t really unique to me at all.

This week I’m trying a new type of yoga called Bikram yoga. Yoga was a great sanctuary for me in the past. I always found it to be a restorative practice that centered me emotionally, quieted me psychologically and strengthened me physically—all things I am in need of these days. Bikram adds heat—105 degrees to be precise—to the practice in order to open up the joints and to assist in releasing toxins throughout the body. I love heat so winter seems like a good time to go get an infusion of it.

I have also been writing a lot, though not here. I have been writing every night in my journal, again something that I had done religiously in the past. I’m also writing about the origins of my depression, the experiences that live in that dark, stuffed-down place. This is intense work that I have not done since it came naturally to me as a teenager. Though it can be overwhelming to feel the feelings that accompany those experiences again, writing them out has enabled me to release them onto the page and then eventually look back at them with some degree of detachment. I have longed to share these writings with someone, but I can’t bring myself to open them up to anyone but Steve. Maybe someday. Renewing this practice of writing has born much fruit. I feel better, relieved of my burdens. It also assists me with reflection on events and drawing connections between my feelings and reactions, and it has awakened my desire to go back to my book. All good things.

I know I have yet to tackle the enormous task of social support. For all my friendliness and my willingness to express my opinions, I’m pretty introverted. Reaching out is not instinctive, but rather more of a rational command. I’m starting with coffee dates and hopefully some girls’ nights out.

After my last depression fifteen years ago and likewise after the time in my life when I suffered from anxiety and panic, I walked away stronger and with more insight. I am just now at the point where I can accept the possibility that the difficult and painful work I’m doing now will add to that insight and build upon those strengths. My husband says that this is my time and that I should take it. “Do the work now and you won’t have to do it again,” he says. And since I don’t have Jack Donaghy’s mind vice, that’s what I’m doing. Wish me luck.

True Friends

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendship. Over the years I've made and lost several friendships. Some of them I thought would last forever and some I didn't see lasting beyond whatever social situation brought us together. Other times I've thought, I would love to get to know this person better, but ultimately didn't. Aside from my husband, I have three friendships that have weathered pretty much all the storms of the last 15+ years of my life. One is my best friend since I was 5. Another I met in junior high and the last I met in junior high, but didn't really come to love until I was in my early twenties. In addition to those friends I've had four other close friendships that either fizzled out completely or died and came back to life in a different form. Not a huge head count really. Of course I acknowledge that I'm an introvert and therefore not prone to socializing in groups where one might make new friends, but still I wonder if it isn't a low number.

Now this isn't to say that I don't have other friends, cause I do. I have a gaggle of girlfriends that I love despite my hermit-like behavior. But lately I've taken to wondering how long each of them will be in my life. I'm not a big party thrower or event organizer; I'm a homebody. So that means I don't see many people often. Thank God for email! So far I've managed to be lucky. They still respond.

In looking back, as I was telling a friend earlier today, I can recognize that I have had limits to my ability to be a friend. I am insanely loyal, which a good thing, but also a curse. I hang around a lot longer than I should sometimes. The truth is that I have this horrible misconception about people. I imagine that everyone on the planet is working toward their best selves. (Not perfection--their best self.) When someone I know isn't, the story line for me is always the same.

When my friend hits a rough patch, I'm there to be supportive, to offer perspective and to tell it like I see it. After all it is hard to see the big picture when you're emotional. This can be very irritating. It is especially irritating to those friends who are content to suffer, to stay in difficult situations rather than to change their circumstances. Eventually, I get tired of hearing the same old complaints and I lose patience. I drop out or I get angry when I'm entreated for another round of "poor me". I stop being a friend. I'm a "shit or get off the pot" kinda gal, not to be crude. I don't know how to be a friend when adversity is a constant choice.

The people that I tend to have long term friendships with are people who are self-reflective, honest about who they are, and they continue to challenge themselves. They may be suffering, but they are trying to find their path out of that suffering. In turn, they offer support, frank advice and perspective to me when I'm in need. They don't just agree with me or support my poor decisions out of fear or to avoid conflict. They tend to ask me the hard questions, whether they are about my world view or myself. They take for granted that I want to live my best life as my best self. They are compassionate and reasonable and forgiving. I feel lucky.

So I'm recognizing that not everyone is into change and I'm asking myself if it is unreasonable of me to choose my friends based on this ideal. It doesn't feel like a black and white answer is out there. I mean I don't make friends with people who are racist or animal abusers. I don't feel comfortable with faith healers or people who are really materialistic. So is it also reasonable for me to choose friends based on their attitude toward life? I'm thinking yes, but I'm not really sure. I value accepting people where they are at. The question is, is it possible to accept people where they are at and also not be their friend?

Comments and thoughts appreciated.

Out of Anxiety - Supplements: Alternatives to Medications

Medications for anxiety and depression are fraught with issues. Everyday we are learning more about the hazards of SSRIs, MAOIs, TCAs and benzo drugs. All of these drugs, as helpful as they can be for a small percentage of the population, are designed to interrupt the natural processes of the body which is why they have so many side effects. None of them promotes the increased or balanced functioning of your body’s systems. In fact they can and often do disturb those systems in such a way so as to create dependencies/addictions. They do not cure. In many cases, when you stop taking the medication, you will have the same symptoms you had when you started. Even SSRIs, the safest of these drugs, have been shown to decrease the natural production of serotonin once the user has been weaned, thus possibly compounding the initial problem. Those of us with long term depression or anxiety know that it is not an option worth considering. In addition, these drugs can cause severe high blood pressure, low libido, a feeling of emotional numbness, an increased risk of osteoporosis, dry mouth, memory problems, constipation, mental fogginess, vision problems, weight gain, and increased risk of worsening depression and suicidal thoughts. Some practitioners are reconsidering the use of these drugs in all but the most severely affected individual for these reasons.

Thankfully there are other choices. Even though they are not publicized or often prescribed by physicians in the U.S., doctors in Europe have been using various supplements and herbs to treat chronic depression and anxiety for years. These supplements, which essentially boost the natural content and chemistry of your body, have few if any side effects and are used safely in children and adults. For our purposes, I will highlight the more popular supplements with a long, proven record of safety. Herbs are another category worth exploring, but do so with a naturopathic doctor since they sometimes have more side effects and drug interactions that should be considered before taking them. All dosages listed are for adults.

A few basic chemicals in the body are responsible for the presence or absence of anxiety. Serotonin, the lack of which is implicated in depression, is a hormone and neurotransmitter that essentially gauges abundance or scarcity, factors which determine your sense of wellbeing. Low serotonin levels have been established in approximately 80% of people with depression. Other serious conditions associated with low serotonin are bulimia, obsessive compulsive disorder, heart problems, insomnia, SIDS, migraines and obesity. In the case of bulimia and obesity, low serotonin short circuits the feeling of satiety. In SIDS, infants who are left alone or to “cry it out” have low levels of serotonin and high levels of cortisol which upset breathing and heart rhythms. Serotonin is required for the production of melatonin and too little of it will result in sleep disorders. And for those of us with depression and/or anxiety, low serotonin means we feel a terrible emptiness and/or dread about life and the world around us. It also explains why a higher percentage of depressed and anxious persons are overweight and have difficulty sleeping. (If any of this sounds like you, keep reading for ways to change that!)

Epinephrine, also called Adrenaline, is a chemical produced in the adrenal glands in response to real or perceived physical threats (fear). The production and release of epinephrine increases with constant noise, bright lights, and high temperatures as well. When you have an adrenaline rush your heart rate increases, and at the same time sets off ACTH production which tells the adrenals to produce another chemical called cortisol.

Cortisol is produced and secreted by the adrenals in response to all kinds of stress. It can be triggered by an adrenaline rush, a prolonged illness or an emotional trauma. Prolonged high blood levels of cortisol shut down reproduction (causing issues with menstrual cycle), reduces the amount of tryptophan available for the production of serotonin, and can suppress the immune system. In short, this chemical is good for a short term response to stress, but terrible if secreted over long periods of time.

Cortisol levels are increased during commuting to work, in persons who are overweight, do exercise they are not conditioned for, do not get regular amounts of sleep and who drink caffeine. In studies, cortisol levels are reduced by being touched or massaged, listening to relaxing music, being in a quiet environment or sitting in low light. The expression of cortisol in high amounts over long periods can cause adrenal fatigue and failure, basically working the adrenals to death. When the adrenals are fatigued or have failed, the resulting lack of adrenal hormones increases the risk of osteoporosis, impairs learning, causes infertility, and may be the root cause of chronic fatigue syndrome.

Norepinephrine/noradrenaline, like epinephrine/adrenaline, is a hormone that supports the fight or flight response. Its job is to promote blood flow to large muscle groups and improve attention. Depression where there is no anxiety and ADHD will often have a low norepinephrine component. But for anxiety, high levels of norepinephrine are often found, indicating that the individual is experiencing unhealthy levels of stress. When anxiety is coupled with panic attacks, this is most certainly a norepinephrine issue. Panic attacks, while short-lived (usually 10 min.) are debilitating. The type of stress implicated in panic attacks is usually the result of a threat to your ability to care for yourself or to survive either physically or emotionally, e.g. fear of losing your job, limited access to food, warmth, etc., fear of being publicly shamed, and so on.

DHEA is a steroid produced by the adrenals. The adequate presence of DHEA is protective against cardiovascular disease, mitigates high cortisol thereby increasing serotonin, helps to regulate and balance pituitary and thyroid function, and increases production of sex hormones. Though DHEA naturally decreases after the age of 25, prolonged stress can cause levels to drop further.

Because DHEA is a precursor to the formation of the major sex hormones estrogen and testosterone, for women in the menopausal years, low levels of DHEA are of particular concern since they lower the levels of protective estrogen and increase anxiety and moodiness from a lack of testosterone. For the same reason, a high incidence of hot flashes can also alert you to low adrenal function and consequently a DHEA deficiency.

For men, low levels of DHEA mean low levels of testosterone. Low testosterone in turn is known to cause anxiety in men (and women) as well as poor body image, social anxiety, and erectile dysfunction.

Our last chemicals are closely related. GABA is metabolized from Glutamate, but they have very different functions in the body. Whereas glutamate amplifies messages to the brain in an attempt to excite a response, GABA turns down the volume so that low value stimuli can be ignored or turned off. When not enough GABA is synthesized from glutamate, a person will experience anxiety, low libido, headaches, sleep disruption, and in severe cases, seizures. The causes of GABA deficiency are not well understood, but there is some evidence that it may be a genetic condition.

So now what? Thankfully there are ample treatments for imbalances in the above hormones. They carry with them little to no side effects and have few drug interactions. Like most medications, these remedies can take a little time to show their benefits. Usually you will notice improvement in 2-14 days. But in some cases it can take 3 months to see the full effects.

If your anxiety is accompanied by depression, if you have a difficult time controlling what you eat and/or don’t ever quite feel full, if you have trouble sleeping, have migraines, or some degree of obsessive compulsive disorder, then you might need a boost to your serotonin levels. 5-HTP is a safe and effective treatment made from a plant. 5-HTP is the precursor for serotonin and, unlike tryptophan, easily leaves the intestines and crosses the blood-brain barrier where it is turned into serotonin. The recommended dosage is 50 mg 3x/day. Some people experience temporary nausea so take it with food. The nausea is usually not a problem after a week or two and only occurs after dosage (not constant.) After two to four weeks if you experience benefit, but still feel depressed, increase the dosage to 100 mg 3x/day. For anything higher I would recommend consulting a naturopath. It is safe to take 5-HTP with the other remedies listed here.

If you suspect that adrenal issues are at the root of your anxiety, you will likely also be experiencing additional symptoms like daily fatigue particularly in the afternoon hours, disruptions to your menstrual cycle, periodic erectile dysfunction, fertility issues, difficulty sleeping through the night, increased urination, or difficulty learning new information aka fogginess. Adrenal health can be regained, usually within the period of a year, with supplements like Drenotrophin PMG and DHEA. Drenotrophin PMG is available online or from a naturopath, while DHEA is available in most health food stores. Drenotrophin is taken 3x/day with meals. Before you start taking DHEA you might consider having your doctor test your levels for a baseline. Women take 10-25 mg/day, while men should take 50-100 mg/day. I would recommend starting with the lowest dosage and moving it up as needed. If you are perimenopausal or menopausal and have mood swings, moderate to mild depression and/or anxiety as well as hot flashes, this could be just what you’re looking for.

The supplemental form of GABA is available in most natural food stores and is a priceless addition to the anxious person’s pharmacy. GABA is an excellent treatment for people with anxieties of all kinds, but especially for those with high levels of norepinephrine and panic attacks. For those suffering from pervasive anxiety and trouble sleeping take 500 mg once in the morning and once an hour before bed. Because this is fast acting, you will notice the benefits within an hour or two. If after time you need to increase your dose, see an ND for guidance. At no point should you take more than 1000 mg of GABA in a single dose. Some recommendations say the upper limit is 750 mg at one time. So get the advice of an ND if you want to up the dose. You can also use this as needed for anxiety inducing situations such as flying on planes, going to a party, before an important presentation or a trip to the doctor. Take 500 mg one to two hours before the event for optimum benefit. If you have trouble sleeping, GABA can be used in place of habit forming sleep medications. Simply take the 500 mg one hour prior to bedtime. DO NOT TAKE GABA IF you are on medications for ADHD, Prader-Willi syndrome, Angleman syndrome, or for brain diseases that are the result of liver disease.

Instead of increasing the dose of GABA, some doctors recommend adding Theanine. Theanine promotes the natural production of GABA in your body and has very effectively been used as a replacement for Ritalin in children and adults in the treatment of ADD/ADHD. There are no known side effects or drug interactions. Take 100-200 mg 1-4x/day. Start small and increase as needed.

Other important supplements: The overwhelming majority of people with depression and anxiety show deficiencies in B-vitamins. For this reason B-100 complex is recommended. Take 1-2 each day. Vitamin D is also implicated in anxiety especially for those whose condition worsens in the winter months. Start with 2000 IU in the summer and 4000 IU in the winter. Vitamin C isn’t just for immunity. It is a powerful anti-oxidant that turns off a feedback loop that tells your body it is stressed out even when it isn’t any more. Take 2000-4000 mg of Vitamin C each day when well. Add 2000 mg when you are ill. Essential fatty acids seem to be all the rage these days for a variety of issues. Persons with anxiety and depression show low levels of omega fatty acids in their blood. When supplemented, these same people show improvement in symptoms and lowered cortisol levels. I don’t have a recommended dosage so I would just pick one made from fish oil and take it according to the directions. 650 mg has been suggested as a minimum daily intake of EFAs, so if you don’t regularly eat fish or flaxseed you might want to shoot for that. 1000 mg would be the high end. This is not a comprehensive list, but I think I covered the biggies.

Though supplements are a great bridge to emotional wellbeing, they should not be used in place of a good diet, talk therapy, basic self-care and other stress reducing lifestyle changes. Recovery from anxiety is a multi-layered process that must address the underlying cause, which is an overly stressful lifestyle. No supplement will change that. You must engage in a paradigm shift and allow your body the chance to recuperate from the trauma of being “used up”. There is nothing so perfect as a daily, leisurely walk to use up excess adrenaline/epinephrine. Low lights, periods of quiet, and massages work miracles. The point of supplements is to carry you through until you have made your changes. After that only a small percentage of anxiety sufferers will need to continue supplementation because of genetic, digestive or metabolic factors that prevent them from making enough of their body’s own chemicals.

Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father

I am continually asking myself the question what the commandment to honor your parents really means. Does it mean we have to do whatever they say or does it mean that we have to simply hear them out? What if what your parents say is generally abusive or rails against your values? What if they use their words to try to control, manipulate or harrass you?

Does it mean they are free to show up at your front door unannounced and permitted to stay for as long as they like? Or does it mean that we cloth and shelter them in their old age or infirmity? Does it mean you can't get angry, or if you do get angry, you're not allowed to say? What does this mean?

I am hoping it means--and I say this rather boldly--that you have to treat them like human beings, not like your nation's dictator. I believe in working toward forgiveness, especially when it is asked for. I believe in actively trying to understand another person's perspective and where they came from. I believe in recognizing the imperfect nature of humanity and letting the little stuff slide. I believe in honoring the wisdom that sometimes comes with age.

I don't think honoring involves "sucking it up" for the sake of harmony, or overlooking serious offensives, or accepting or allowing habitually hurtful behavior to go unchecked. The brownie points parents get for making a life quickly get used up. Parents who want respect should treat their children with respect. Parents who want forgiveness should practice forgiveness, not save "evidence" of "wrong doing" for later use. And for that matter, parents who want forgiveness should change their hurtful behavior and entitled attitudes.

Since I became a mother, I have desperately tried to earn the trust and respect of my children. I show that I can be trusted and I act respectably and with respect for them, then they know to trust me and to respect me. When I messed up, even when they were babies and toddlers, I said I was sorry and made every effort not to repeat my mistake. Just because I put a roof over their head and feed them my job isn't done. And it certainly doesn't buy me the right to say and do whatever I like without taking responsibility for my actions. I've tried to teach them that every action has a consequence, good or bad. That applies to parents too.

The Year of Loss

Every year, in the weeks before my birthday, I feel myself entering into a new phase of my life. I don’t generally know what the theme of that phase will be, but sometimes I have an inkling. At the same time I am looking over the previous year and giving it a name, a description. I’m evaluating what lessons I’ve learned, and where I missed what might have been obvious if I hadn’t been blinded by my own agenda. What I find is that that I am generally confronted with the same lessons over and over. At this unique time it becomes abundantly clear that I am not adrift in my life, but am in the current of a great mystery that possesses design and elegance, if not ease.

I’m at that time again, transitioning from one phase into the next, from the known into the unknown. I have entitled this last year “The Year of Loss”—not very uplifting, but a true fit. I’ve lived through years before that were permeated by loss, but they were different. There were gains and places for renewal. For example, once I had 5 people die in a 12 month span, but also 4 births. I got separated, but I also found myself again. There was a constant push and pull, a yearning for balance, that seemed to be expressed in the very fabric of my journey. Not so this year. This year was like a forest fire.

Early in the year I had identified two losses that were already fast upon me--the loss of identity, and the relinquishment of expectations. My children were both going to school full days and for the first time in 8 years I had blocks of time where I belonged to no one again. I didn’t even belong to myself.

From the moment my first child was born, my identity was wrapped up in motherhood. Though I had fought it initially, I eventually, with my whole heart, surrendered my life to my children, to my place in the center of the home. Then, in a flash, I was sitting alone on the couch faced with the question, “What do I do with my life now that they don’t need me so much?” This year’s identity crisis isn’t about limitations the way the accepting motherhood was. This time, wide vistas spread out before me and I am overwhelmed with the possibilities. Worse is that I have become comfortable in my identity as a stay-at-home mom and have largely lost my desire to be much of anything else. I write and that seems to be enough right now. Still, there is this little voice inside of me that says I ought to want more and if I don’t I will lose my value in the world. That little voice tells me I am living a dangerous half life straddling the line between parenthood and pointlessness. The best I’ve been able to do is shrug and turn away from it. “I’m not ready,” I say, and I move on until it finds another opportunity to tell me again that what I am now is not enough.

I thought for the last ten years that when my kids were all in school that I would get a job again outside the home. The stay-at-home thing was a temp assignment in my mind. Now I’m not so sure. My husband just wants me to find my bliss whether or not it brings an income. I recognize that the life I have—one that was commonplace and expected in the not so distant past—is now a luxury that I feel guilty accepting. I am asking myself if I need to adjust my expectations of myself. Why should I now live out the expectations I made for myself before I even knew what this chapter of my life would be like?

Expectations are sort of a subtheme in this year. All of us, at one time or another, want or believe something ought to be a certain way. Expectations, to an extent, are really positive. They keep us accountable to one another, tell us where our limits are, provide us with a sense of safety. But sometimes expectations tell us who we should be even when those definitions don’t fit anymore, or they never did. They prevent us from seeing what we can be and what bounty we can access in our relationships. Sometimes those expectations make us and those we love feel like we aren’t enough. And worst of all, they can lead us on a hopeless journey that will ultimately hurt or harm us.

As I said, this year I have been forced to confront long held expectations that I have had of myself, but I have also had to accept that my expectations of some of my family relationships will not be met. Parting with my expectations hasn’t been easy. I have been grieving lost hopes, feeling a tremendous sorrow in knowing that I will not have the depth or quality of loving that I had longed for. Still I recognize that in letting go of my expectations I forgo a relationship that will never be for a relationship that can be, even if it is very limited. But the grieving comes first.

The final recurring loss of this year was “the final loss”. One of my cats died very unexpectedly this passed Christmas from heart disease. Though he was by no means my favorite cat, I loved him. He took up substantial energy and space in my day to day living. His absence created a vacuum for us all, but most particularly for our youngest child who often called out for her “Buddy” to “come back”. (Walking your children through grief is a pain unto itself for it means witnessing their sense of permanence be shattered.)

Exactly two months later, shortly after the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, I lost another of the great men in my life, Perry. From the time I was five years old, he was like a second father to me. Though he had been gravely ill for the weeks prior to his passing, his death came as a shock to me. I had hoped to see him once more, to say my good-byes and tell him how much I loved him. When he died four weeks before my scheduled visit, I was devastated. Losing Perry felt like being robbed. For the last several months I’ve felt locked down in a grief that is only now starting to abate.

Despite there being moments of happiness, pride, joy, and gratitude, I swirled around all of my losses as if caught in a long succession of whirlpools. Just as I would break out of one orbit I would be drawn into another. With these losses came grief. And too often with that grief there came a self-centeredness which crippled my ability to reach outward toward love, comfort, and assistance, those things which I needed most to sustain myself. The only thing on my mind most days was being a good mom and getting through the day.

As the summer sun breaks through the ceaseless rain of spring I feel the shift happening again. I know I will have to carry this work with me to some degree, but I am anxious for a new focus. I want my fresh start. Like the forest floor in the aftermath of a fire, I too am cleared out, raw and charred feeling. All that’s left to do is wait to see what new growth will rise up from the emptiness.

Helen Thomas

The eighty-nine year old journalist who blazed the trail for women reporters since 1943 has been cut down in a matter of minutes over her blunt and insensitively phrased statement about the legitimacy of Israel. I think this is a terrible travesty and an unfortunate show of fickleness on the part of those Americans who have spoken out against her. I won’t argue against the callousness of the statement or the inappropriateness of its timing, but I will say that, while this woman has dedicated her life to the unbiased reporting of facts, she is still a human being with biases and a personal story. (Not to mention that at the time of her comment she was working as an opinion columnist.) To black ball her and to undo a lifetime of achievement over a single comment is unforgiving and lacks wisdom.

The fact is Helen Thomas is in the small percentage of Americans that can remember when Jews began settling in Palestine. She is also of Lebanese descent which no doubt also colors her personal opinion about Zionism. One need not be called a bigot to be an anti-Zionist. Many Jews beginning in the late 1800’s at the birth of Zionism felt that Zionism was the unholy pursuit of secular Jews. And today there are orthodox traditions that still do not recognize the legitimacy of Israel.

I myself am a Palestinian sympathizer. That may make some people very angry, but it is true. I am certainly not anti-semitic. I have many friends who are Jewish and I feel the deep beauty and wisdom of Jewish religious and cultural traditions, many of which have greatly impacted the direction and character of our own society. I had, at one point, stopped to consider whether or not the Jewish religion would be the right spiritual path for me and I have an abiding love and respect for those who have allowed me to lean into their heritage for an intimate viewing. I am not anti-Jew.

I do believe, however, that the Western world has had an opportunity here to learn from history and we have failed to do so. At a time when Jews were being massacred, the Western World in general stood by and allowed it to happen. There is—and should be—a tremendous shame felt for that abandonment of our fellow human beings. I believe this is what prompted support for the state of Israel. No one country said, “Come here. Practice your traditions in our land.” Truthfully, I don’t think that many Westerners could reconcile their shame with their anti-semitism. Better to put them somewhere else. Why not the land where they lived 1800 years ago?

Sadly, in supporting the formation of a Jewish state in a land that already had inhabitants we recreated the Native American situation. This is the history out of which my sympathies for the Palestinians spring. Since the Palestinians did not meet the Western definition of “civilized and governed” their feelings, needs and concerns were not met with any real consideration. And so they fought, like Pontiac, Crazy Horse, Red Cloud and Geronimo fought to secure their land, their livelihood and their traditions. One by one tribes were either obliterated, assimilated or driven to a reservation. One by one reservations were moved, reclaimed by the government or denied altogether. This is a shameful history that is so easily forgotten. And clearly very easily repeated.

For those of you who are wondering, no, I don’t think it is a viable solution to force march all the Jews out of Israel. There is a solution which will have to come out of humility on both sides and which will have to be accepted despite the inability to satisfy. A terrible compromise necessitated by a series of terrible choices in terrible times. My wishes for the Native Americans are similar—a sovereignty and self-determination that will likely never be granted. Until that happens I see myself as an occupier though I am many generations an American.

I believe there is room enough in this world for all of us, for our big fat opinions and our tragic mistakes. There is also room in the heart for forgiveness and reconciliation, for understanding and for compromise. We may not feel that Helen Thomas, or Zionists, or Arab-Muslims may have behaved in accord with their best selves, but they are all humans who deserve to be heard and regarded as whole beings. Fervent reactionism has never done anyone right. For that reason, with this post, I openly refuse to disgrace a woman of great achievement and merit over a single, poorly expressed opinion.

Out of Anxiety--Self-care Basics

In my experience, providing oneself with the basics of self-care is particularly difficult for women. Growing up in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania in the 70’s and 80’s, I felt like I was constantly being sent the message that women are second class citizens, that we are made for service and not for happiness or fulfillment. Often that idea was backed up with Pauline Bible verses and demonstrated in the households of my friends and neighbors as well as my own. If a woman wanted or needed to work outside of the home, she was still going to be responsible for all dinners, laundry, and housecleaning. She was to give until the need was filled, but wasn’t entitled to anything in return. Today I reject this notion outright as un-Christian and unethical. That having been said, I still had to work pretty darn hard to figure out what it meant to take care of myself and then to establish that care as habit.

So what does self-care mean? How does it play out? The basics of self-care will probably seem obvious, yet I was astounded at how much my “over-achieving” had cut into these important facets of good mental and physical health:

1. Sleep at night. Eight hours is the minimum. When you go below the minimum you cheat your body of its opportunity to renew and repair. You also deny your body’s chemical systems (aka your nerves) the chance to reset and you experience decreased cognition, increased appetite and reduced energy. Don’t be surprised if need even more than eight hours of sleep for awhile or forever. Many people require 9 or 10 hours of sleep to achieve optimal well-being. Let your body tell you what it needs, then adjust your life accordingly. (FYI I used to sleep 10 hours a day to feel “right”. Now I wake up naturally at about the 8 hour mark.)

2. Eat right. You deserve to be healthy. Your food is your fuel, but it is also the raw material out of which your body is built. Sugar and caffeine might keep you awake, but it doesn’t keep you alive and healthy. Vegetables and fruit are absolutely necessary for the proper functioning of your nervous, immune and endocrine systems. Basically, they keep you from getting crazy, fuzzy and confused. Eight servings of fruits and veggies a day is the minimum. Cut out 75% of your simple carbs and sugar. Eliminate all artificial sweeteners and caffeine, which can mimic or incite the feelings of anxiety.

3. Drink water. Eight 8 oz. glasses a day is the minimum. (Boy that number 8 keeps popping up. Hmmm.) Your body is mostly made of water. Providing yourself with ample quantities of fresh water enables your cells to renew and to flush out excess hormones and toxins. If you are anxious you have too much of at least one hormone coursing through your veins. Water is necessary to correct this. Don’t wait until you’re thirsty to drink. Thirst indicates that you are already becoming dehydrated.

4. Walk. Walking is amazing. The studies about what walking does for your brain should be broadcast far and wide. Americans don’t walk; we drive. As driving hours have increased over time, so have the rates for depression, anxiety and obesity. As I mentioned in the introduction, walking pushes oxygenated blood to your brain and it uses up excess adrenaline. It strengthens your heart, muscles and joints as well. Simple ways to increase your number of steps: Park at the far end of the lot and walk into the store. When you get home from work, stroll around the block before you head to the front door. Do fun walking tours. When I was at the height of my anxiety I walked a short figure 8 around two blocks in my neighborhood everyday. The results were immediate and impressive. Increase the amount of walking you do slowly. If you have underlying adrenal problems (to be discussed later), walking too much too quickly will only make your symptoms worse.

5. Meditate/Pray/Sit in Quiet. When we sit in quiet we tell ourselves that there is value in ourselves that goes beyond our ability to “do”. We also allow our inner voice the opportunity to speak. During this time of quiet our job is simply to be. As emotions and thoughts rise up, we observe them and let them pass without holding onto or examining them. If we grasp at them, we simply remind ourselves to let them go. The practice of being quiet teaches us the skill of self-observation so that, in time times of anxiety, we can step back and see where our feelings are coming from. After a period of quiet, I often like say my prayers of gratitude and ask for the strength I need to live my life well.

6. Talk about it. One of the most dangerous underlying components of anxiety is shame. When we feel shame we are negatively evaluating ourselves using a set of externally created standards. We direct our judgment at ourselves instead of our actions. In the worst case, we come to accept that the standards we apply to our behavior should apply to our thoughts and feelings as well. This is crap, my friends. Thoughts of all kinds, even ones that appear perverse, taboo, violent, racist, and cruel, are normal. When we hold our thoughts to the same standard as our behavior we are forced to reject ourselves and begin the process of self-denial. Sadly, most of us don’t know that the human experience, while diverse on the outside, has a remarkably homogenous internal landscape. When specific circumstances are set, the reaction to those circumstances is nearly universal. I remember when I was still a new mother, I had this horrible urge to drop kick my baby across the room. She was crying and I was extremely tired. My husband was out of town and I had no family around and little opportunity to take care of my own needs. For a time, I felt horribly ashamed of that thought even though I did not act on it. Then one day I mentioned the experience to a trusted friend. She was elated. “I’m so glad I’m not the only one.” This began a lengthy discussion. Soon I found myself openly discussing my experience with my friends, my birth classes and total strangers having a tough time in the supermarket. It culminated in a moment of raucous laughter in a knitting shop as we recounted our “drop kicking” thoughts to one another. Talking about it reduces and eliminates the aloneness in which shame is constructed, and it helps to normalize human thoughts, feelings and behaviors which are for various reasons kept out of the public sphere. Talking about it also enables us to receive comfort and guidance. If you don’t have a trusted friend or partner with whom you can begin this process, I suggest practicing with a therapist or other disinterested third party.

Self-care is the most powerful part of the journey out of anxiety. It can be challenging, but the changes you will make are concrete and will have tangible results.

In the next section I will talk about Medications and Supplements that will help you get back on your feet and address imbalances in your body while you work on creating better self-care habits.

Tales From the Pits--A Brief Update

It has been about 5 weeks since I stopped shaving my underarms and I officially have hair. Not stubble. Not something that could be mistaken as laziness. Actual “oh ma Gawd. She has hairy armpits” armpits. Certainly I have not reached the point of full grow out, but my condition is unmistakable. A couple things about it have been surprising. One is that it doesn’t gross me out like I thought it might. As “going natural” would imply, it really does looks natural. Having fur where it never used to be occasionally catches me off guard, but I don’t look at it and wonder how someone managed to glue prop hair to my armpits while I slept.

The second surprise is that I DO feel more sweaty. I don’t often sweat. A lack of exercise and a moderate climate keep that in check. However, I now find that I periodically feel a little damp under there. It makes sense, so much so that I probably should have guessed it would be the case. The good news is that I DON’T stink. Odor was one of my chief concerns. But regular showering and good old Tom’s of Maine deodorant seem to be keeping me as fresh smelling as my regularly shorn self once was. Where did I get the idea that I would emit noxious fumes? I think it must come from the hippie patchouli set of my college days. It never occurred to me that I have been living amongst naturally hirsute males my whole life and not generally been offended. (The exception of course being after a sporting event. Dear God help us all.) I suppose it is just one of those things we tell each other and assume is true.

Even with all this good news, I’m not really a fan of the underarm hair. I’ll see it through, but after my cap sleeve incident the other day, I find that I am feeling too self-conscious to pull this off over the long term. Last week on a sunny warm day, I threw on one of my favorite summer shirts that has a pretty little shoe pattern and cap sleeves. I didn’t even think about the revealing nature of the top until I lifted my arm to reach. Oh the horror. Again, the hair did not look gross. I simply felt the full weight of possible stares and whispered comments. The oppression was painful. The punitive power of social stigma—what an effective tool to keep us all in line. Ugh. I am a slave to it in this way, I have to admit. I think it comes from having crappy, ill-fitting clothes as a child. I was nearly always out of fashion and I felt the “other-ing” effects of looking different. I still shudder at the thought of sticking out in that way.

When I lived in Eugene, Oregon, I rarely thought about my appearance. I dressed in homemade clothes, shaved my head, went bleach blonde for the first time, and stopped shaving my legs. I did it all for fun. To explore myself and my identity. I still got asked out on dates (by men and women); still had friends and was respected for my talents and gifts. The lines between “us” and “them” felt blurrier, more crossable, more crossed over. I enjoyed letting my freak flag fly without fear of social backlash. I’m only a hundred miles away, and yet I feel so different.

Who’d have thought all that from growing out armpit hair? This journey has been an excellent reminder that there are little bits of freedom all around us that we do not seize or even think to seize. Don’t know if I’ll have anything more to post about this topic in the future as I wait for my goal to be reached. If I have something worth saying I will, but I’m sure by now you are all wondering how I had this much to say about it at all. Thanks for listening and sharing your funny and interesting stories with me. It has been a lot of fun to learn about this widely accepted grooming habit and how it came to be. I have a new respect for the women who reject it, and who have the courage to break with conventions of all kinds so that they can live more fully as themselves. You are my new heros.

Tales From the Pits--Still Not Shaving

I’ve been surprised and had my need for immediate gratification disappointed by the slowness with which underarm grows! I think I’m getting about a millimeter a week. (No rulers were harmed in this estimation.) I’m struggling to come to terms with what that will mean for my summer. I assumed that, like my leg hair, my underarm hair would come in quickly and I would be shaving it off by swimsuit season. Au contraire. If I am going to stick to this little mission of mine—to see my armpit hair in all its glory, to know what I look like as a woman—then I’m going to have to manage through at least part of tank and bikini season.

This unexpected development got me to thinking about how far I’m willing or wanting to go with this armpit hair business. It is one thing to grow it out and not have anyone know—or see it, more accurately. It is another thing altogether to let the freak flag fly, as they say. To be open to staring and ridicule is not something I am generally comfortable with, at least not about my appearance. Believe it or not, after all my loud-mouthing about various issues on my blog, I don’t like to be looked at. I prefer to be in the corner or, better, under a rock when it’s a “see and be seen” situation. How am I going to feel strolling about in my summer tanktop with tufts of hair under my arms? I’ve determined to leave that decision for a later date.

Thus far, this little experiment/investigation of my natural self was not about making a stand or creating an issue. I have felt largely uncommitted to any idea of hairiness or hairlessness. As I said, I have leg hair, but no armpit hair (until now), plucked eyebrows and unplucked eyebrows depending on my mood. Then it happened. My oldest daughter told me she thought it was gross for women to not shave. Suddenly, this whole business became “about” something. I don’t want her to be disgusted by something so natural and mammalian as hair growth. The beginnings of hair in “strange places” was a sign of growing up that I looked forward to as a preteen. It meant that I was becoming a woman. I didn’t stop to ask myself why I was so excited to have it when I would just be shaving it off. I want my daughters to recognize that they have a choice and that there isn’t a right or wrong. Neither would they be more or less beautiful, at least not to me. So now I’m questioning whether or not I have an obligation to my girls to have armpit hair for awhile, simply to show them that they are not constrained by fashion or fear-based cultural conditioning. I’m going to have to think on that.

The upside of all of this fuzziness comes in two parts. The first is that I have been pleasantly surprised at how little my mate notices the hair. He really could care less. For me this goes to prove what other male friends of mine have said in the past, i.e. that men don’t care as much about those kinds of things as women do. And it’s true. Women, more so than men, are keeping women in check regarding the shaving rule. (This of course doesn’t count all of my awesome girlfriends who have been so supportive!)

The second is that I have been prompted to read more about the subject. One woman wrote that her parents didn’t allow her to shave because it was what separated the good girls from the prostitutes who, a hundred years ago, shaved to show that they didn’t have lice. So is that what we are doing by shaving, prostituting ourselves to the ideas we women have about desirability? Another question. No answers yet.

The only thing I know for sure is that this isn’t what I thought it would be when I set out to see myself au natural. The path that I’ve chosen here, however carelessly started, has become an opportunity to ask and answer questions that I never knew were there to be asked and answered. What fun.

P.S. Apparently I’m not the only one talking about this. See the link to an article in the NY Times this week.

Tales From the Pits

I know it seems strange and gross to some of you, but I’m growing out my underarm hair. It started with a Facebook discussion of Monique not shaving her legs. Now I’m all over that. Twelve or thirteen years ago I stopped shaving my legs for the fall, winter and spring because I didn’t see the point. I was living in Eugene, Oregon and unshaven legs weren’t stigmatizing so there was no disincentive to not shaving. I went for it and discovered A) what my leg hair looked like and B) that the hair was soft and not at all freaky looking.

I began dating my husband Steve in the summer, so you know, shaved legs. When the autumn was upon us I gently broke it to him on a road trip. I don’t shave my legs in the cold months. At first he was shocked and I think a little scared. So I said, “Fine. I’ll shave my legs for you if you shave yours for me.” Of course he wasn’t going to shave his legs. He’s a man! Within minutes he saw my perspective and said he’d be open. Much to his surprise, he didn’t mind at all. Now he describes my winter legs as silky and genuinely doesn’t even notice when I start shaving my legs again in the summer.

So back to the armpitd. When the women involved in the Facebook discussion talked about underarm hair I caught myself having the thought, I don’t even know what my underarm hair looks like. Then I felt strangely perturbed. In admitting that I didn’t know what it looked like, I admitted that I had, through cultural coercion, denied my natural self to such a degree that I was content—until that moment—to spend my entire life not knowing what my God-given self looked like. That just seemed wrong.

I made the decision to let my underarm hair grow in. When I told Steve of my plan, he smiled. “I can see why you would want to, but I don’t think you’ll make it. I think you’ll shave it before it’s grown out.” That just made me more determined. Still, if I’m being truthful here—which I must be, or what’s the point?—I was terrified! Terrified that he wouldn’t find me attractive anymore and I would be forced to choose between my path or the good, sweet loving my man provides. What if he hated it and I loved it? Would that mean he was rejecting me as I am? What would happen if there was a catastrophic event that prevented me from getting razors? Would that be the end our sex life? I calmed myself down and pointed out in my best self-talk that I was getting way ahead of myself. I might end up hating it and, at least for the time being, he was onboard.

About a week into the grow out, my underarm hair was the longest it had ever been in my life. I alerted Steve to this milestone moment. He said, “Let me see.” So I lifted up my arm and he laughed. “Where?” I felt insulted. “I know it’s not a lot, but still, it’s the most I’ve ever had.” (Indeed it was only a bit of stubble, but I had been very diligent over the years so it was a lot to me.) Holding back his laughter, if not his amusement, he said, “Well you can’t blame it for being confused. You’ve been hacking it off since it first showed up.” I burst into a fit of laughter. It was going to be slow going I guessed.

Today I’m nearly two weeks into it and there still isn’t much to speak of in the way of hair. I’m less worried about Steve being able to adapt than I am about me being able to. He assures me that he is still open. “You never know, I might not mind it at all. Maybe I’ll even find it sexy. Who knows?” What a good sport. He’s had his own cultural conditioning too, you know. Now I’m left to deal with the other insecurities that arise from this exercise. What will my friends and family think of me? Will I be stereotyped? What assumptions will new acquaintances make? Will I be categorized, ostracized, discounted? Does it even matter so long as I accept myself?

There are practical considerations too. Do you smell more? Does regular deodorant work on hairy pits too? (It must since Steve and I use the same kind and he smells fine.) Should I stop wearing tank tops and sleeveless shirts? Will I be ruling out strapless gowns forever? Do you trim it?

Such a strange little world I live in where such a natural thing can cause this much concern. Surely men still wanted women a hundred years ago before legs and armpits were shorn to the skin. Surely they still want them now in nearly every country outside of the English speaking world. But I live in this time and in this place and that requires me to think a bit, about fashion, approval, and whether it is really about male attraction or how women pressure other women. I guess I’m about it find out.

Out of Anxiety -- Part IV -- Self-care, Fundamental Changes in Thought

Self-care is a whopper so I’m going to do it in two parts: Fundamental Changes in Thought and Basic Self-Care

Fundamental Changes in Thought

When I was at my worst point during the adoption, I found myself pushing and prodding myself to continue the process despite realizing that the chaotic conditions, the endless waiting and worrying, and the constant fear that it would all fall through were taking a toll on my health. Everyday more and more of my ability to function was slipping away. The little that I had to give went into caring for the girls and soon that was beginning to slip too. Still, I worried about Steve. I worried whether or not he would stay married to me if I called it off. I worried what people would think of a woman who couldn’t finish the process of bringing an orphaned child into a better life. I worried about all the stories that certain people kept throwing at me about attachment disorders. I was afraid that the love I had to give would never be enough. These last thoughts made it clear to me that I was not ready to be an adoptive parent. I was deeply ashamed of myself and fearful if I talked to anyone about them that I would be thought less of. I felt that he deserved better than that from a parent. But what I didn’t recognize was that I deserved something better too. I deserved to know that if I wasn’t ready or hardy enough for the uncertain process of adoption then that was enough of a reason to stop. Ultimately, it was my job to take care of myself first if I was ever going to be of any use to my two current children, let alone the one on the way. Those days were the most difficult days of my life.

Sadly, I wasn’t brought up to believe that my needs were very important. I was always the giver, the fixer, the doer. I came last in my life, and at the time of the adoption I was still coming last on the list. Even while I was coming apart at the seams, I was still putting everyone else first. My experience with anxiety was inevitable. Eventually, adoption or not, I would have ended up there.

The good news is that anxiety taught me that my old ways of living weren’t working and that I had to change. One of those ways I already mentioned--I had to reprogram my self-talk to be reassuring, patient, forgiving, optimistic and more reflective of reality. I had to teach myself that the world was NOT going to come tumbling down if I made a mistake or couldn’t live up to an invisible and external standard. The second and equally important thing anxiety taught me was that I had to put myself first some of the time, because if I didn’t, anxiety wasn’t going to be a phase in my life, it was going to be my life in its entirety.

Before I could even begin to address this issue, I had to be clear that I was ready and WORTHY of being cared for. If your experience was anything like mine, feeling worthy after a lifelong sense of worthlessness might seem insurmountable. So for now, just take it from me. No matter what any person, culture or religion tells you, you are just as important as the person sitting next to you. Recognizing that you are worthy is the first fundamental change in thought that has to take place or everything else falls away. As you begin taking care of yourself as laid out in Basic Self-Care you will be sending yourself the daily message that you are loveable and worthy of goodness.

Though intrinsically tied to the first change, the second warrants having its own line item. You have value outside of your ability to serve. This is particularly hard for people who have a theosophy which centers around their purpose of existence being to serve and praise God. It would take me a lot longer than a few lines to address this issue, but I will say that there is ample reason to have been created by God that has nothing to do with endless service and praise. I truly believe that God’s love extends beyond our ability to give anything in return. You can only do so much for others while not caring for yourself before you fall into an unhealthy state of resentment, ill-health or destructive coping. I’m pretty sure that’s not what God was going for.

There are other reasons to de-emphasize service to others. Firstly, there is value in allowing others to be of service to you when you need it. In allowing someone to care for you, you establish a bond of love and their gift reinforces your sense of being worthy and loveable. Secondly, there are times when being of service is not appropriate. I have experienced many times in my life where I have not been self-aware enough to know what motivates my impetus to serve. I learned the hard way that in blindly giving you can ultimately end up hurting yourself or the person you mean to help. Knowing why you feel compelled to serve requires time for reflection and a deeper understanding of your own needs. The better you understand what it means to care for yourself, the better you will be able to care for others. Excessive anxiety is a good indicator that you are not taking care of yourself in a fundamental way. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, “If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.”

In Mary Oliver’s poem The Journey, she describes the moment when she realizes that she has to leave behind the needs of others and focus on hearing the voice of her own need. (See the link to the left.) This beautiful poem is a difficult one for me to read. I, like so many others I know, have had relationships that were vampiric in nature, where I felt obligated to make another’s life “okay”. I have felt the pull to “mend” another’s life while my own was falling apart. I too have struggled to turn away from the pain of those around me even when my own pain was too much to bear. Still, does a drowning person ever save a drowning person?

Sometimes, when a person is first learning about their own needs and how to meet them, it becomes necessary to put “high need” or unhealthy relationships on pause. This can be particularly difficult if the person on the other end of that relationship is a parent, spouse or adult child. A person who relies on you for a great deal will not likely appreciate having that energetic supply removed. Still, I have found this to be good advice. Temporarily removing myself from these relationships enabled me to better focus on understanding myself, my function in the relationship, and what steps I needed to take to improve the relationship for my own mental health.

So much of how we feel, how we perceive the world, and our ability to experience happiness, is internal and fluctuating. The responsibility to make and keep another happy is a moving bar that we will seldom be able to reach. In the end you will fail and consequently feel like a failure despite the fact that the task was impossible to begin with. By adopting good self-care habits and recognizing your own value, you will be better able to set boundaries and provide useful, healthy assistance to those in need. You will also be able to better identify unreasonable or unhealthy pleas for your attention.

The last fundamental change in thought is the ability to differentiate between want and need. In the busyness of our culture we often confuse these two ideas. Needs, which are covered in a general sense in the Basic Self-Care section to follow, are required for good physical and mental health. Wants are everything outside of that. The big exception to this is, of course, the requirements of parenting. Children need to be fed and held and nurtured, but these days much of what I see parents killing themselves over is not need. It’s want. Examples of need are ample sleep, regular nutritious meals and snacks, access to water, moments of quiet where nothing is required, hygiene, physical and emotional safety, affirmation and affection, clear and established boundaries, and an outlet for emotions. Wants are things like extracurricular activities such as sports and music lessons, a perfectly clean and orderly home, volunteer activities, time in front of the television, video games, and junk food. Doing regular activities with your child demonstrates interest in your child’s life and development. However, constant doing is not healthy. It teaches children that their value exists in doing and not in simply being.

If you are a constant doer like I was, stop to consider the possibility that your “doing” is masking your “feeling.” Permit yourself to say no to an activity in favor of a bubble bath, or force yourself to just sit for 20 on the couch with nothing in hand, TV off, no conversation. Notice how that makes you feel. Are you more anxious? Do you feel useless? If so, you may have figured out something really important about yourself and the root of your anxiety. When your value is in doing, anxiety is not far away. When will you have done enough? When you do in order to avoid feeling, anxiety is the manifestation of your repressed feelings. You will have to stop the doing and feel the feelings before your anxiety will subside. This anxiety is often associated with a fear of losing control of yourself whilst experiencing intense emotions. If this is you, you may want to seek the services of a trained therapist to help you establish a safe place for those feelings to come to the surface.

Eliminating the unnecessary doing creates space for your feelings to be addressed. In my effort to declutter my life, I found it useful to make a list of the things I had planned for the day and break them up into want and need. Needs got first priority, then came wants that fed my joy and growth. Everything else that just took up space or that I was doing to meet someone else’s standard got dumped. Once I started doing this, I found that my anxiety was lessened and more manageable. When I had moments of intense emotion I was better able to process those feelings because there was space and energy in my life for that work. I also spent more time interacting and engaging with my kids, more time talking and listening to my husband and I had more energy for my friendships.

So to recap the fundamental changes in thought: 1) You are worthy of being cared for by yourself and by others. 2) You have value outside of your ability to serve. 3) You have to understand and help yourself before you can be of service to others in a healthy way. You may have to put relationships temporarily to accomplish this. 4) Differentiate between want and need. Then use this new understanding to reprioritize and declutter your life and to create space for feeling.

Out of Anxiety - Part III - Management

When I began to scour the literature for a way out of the anxiety, I realized that nearly everything I found fell into one of four categories/steps: Management, Self-care, Confrontation, and Understanding Normalcy. Step one focuses on the two phases of management which are stopping the anxiety from growing and recasting your self-talk. The second step involves restructuring your life to create the conditions for mental health. The third step engages the anxiety in a discussion and fleshes out its root. The last step acknowledges that some anxiety in life is both normal and healthy, and that the experiences/feelings at the root of excessive anxiety are simply normal feelings that did not get “dealt with.”

Management

The techniques for management can be broken into two groups. The first group addresses the immediacy of the anxiety and its whirlwind-like habit. These exercises promote “grounding” or, to put it another way, getting out of the mind and into the world around you. Because so much of the material we use to build anxiety is only a perceived threat of annihilation, we can disable it by returning our focus to our physical body and environment. There are several exercises for this, but I found two particularly useful. In the first exercise you close your eyes, take a couple of slow, deep breaths into your abdomen and then open your eyes. With your eyes opened you begin listing out loud the things that you can see. (Mumbling under your breath is fine.) Stop at about 5 or 6. Next begin listing the things you can hear, again limiting it to about 5 or 6. Continue in the same way through feel, smell and taste. The last two are always a little harder, but no matter. If you need to, repeat the listing portion of the exercise until you feel more settled. The exercise looks something like this:

I see a telephone pole, a silver car, fallen leaves, a plastic pink flamingo, a muddy puddle. I hear rain drops hitting the roof, the fan on my computer coming on, the dog snoring, my own exhalation, a distant truck engine. I feel the uneven cushion of my chair, the warmth of the keyboard, my scarf too tight around my neck, the ache in my right knee, an itch on my elbow. I smell the wooliness of my sweater, the cool dry air. I taste coffee still on my tongue.

I also liked this breathing exercise. Breathe in to a count of five. Then see if you can seamlessly begin breathing out without there being a discernable stopping point to the breathing in. Breathe out for a long count of 5 to 7 and then breathe in, again without the stopping point. Continue this until you feel your chest relax and your breathing deepen into your abdomen. Sound silly? When under stress most of us will begin holding their breath. It’s instinct. Noticing your breathing will remind you to breathe. It will help to prevent the escalation of anxiety, hyperventilation and possible panic.

The second group of exercises provide a sort of counter-attack to the anxiety. First, assess your environment. Are you in physical danger? No. Then say, “I’m safe. Everything’s okay.” Are you being emotionally abused or attacked? No. You say, “I’m safe. Everything’s okay.” This might seem needless, but remember, you’re having an animal reaction. Tell the animal that annihilation isn’t imminent. Calm the animal first and it will begin to stand down.

The most effective technique is changing your self-talk. Self-talk is the voice you have in your head which feeds you with regular assessments and judgments of yourself and your environment. It is a trained feature of your mind, in other words, it can be taught to say different things. The inner self begins talking to us early on. Mother scolds her child for sneaking cookies from the kitchen. She smacks his hand and tells him he is a naughty, disobedient boy. The child, when next tempted to take a cookie, hears the voice in his head say, “Don’t take the cookie. There is a consequence.” Unfortunately, he also hears the judgment, “You are a naughty, disobedient boy who deserves to have his hand smacked.” This continues throughout our teen years and adulthood as we make judgments about ourselves in relation to family and social values. I do/want this, therefore I am this. Because I am this, I won’t be loved/provided for. I’ll be punished/judged/ostracized. You combat this type of self-talk by removing the negative judgment and creating a positive assessment based on what is normal rather than what is right. (And for the record, while being “right” is usually perfectly personifying one value or ideal, being "normal" covers a wide range.) Of course I wanted the cookie. I was hungry and I knew it would taste good. That’s very normal. Next time I will ask first.

This type of positive self-talk works with a host of situations and feelings. I have problems with depression, so no one who knows this about me will want me can be combated with I have a lot to offer another person besides my challenges. I am smart, funny, successful, responsible and caring. When I am ready and the right person comes along, I will find a lasting partnership.

Feelings of being unlovable as we are, of being found out as a fraud and of not deserving goodness in life, are all common. Targeting these internal judgments with positive self-talk specific to the issue is essential to sucking the wind out of the anxiety tornado. Remember to be kind and frank with yourself. I did the best I could in that situation with what I had at the moment. I have learned from my mistake and I am leading a healthier life now. It doesn’t take a psychologist to tell you these things. Imagine what you would say to your best friend and practice avoiding the word should.

Though it can take time for those messages to sink in, if you are consistent with providing them, eventually they will. Soon you will be able to talk yourself out of an anxiety attack just by telling yourself what the reality of the situation is. Beyond that point, your mind will begin to play those messages to you in times of stress without your having to consciously generate them every time.

The more often you do these exercises the sooner you will stop the anxiety when it arises and the easier it will be to identify the feelings and thoughts that are underlying. This is really important when you begin confronting the root of your anxiety.

Out of Anxiety - Part II - The Gift of Emotion

I’m not sure how it came to pass that emotions, especially those perceived as negative emotions, became a thing of demons. Maybe, as I mentioned in Part I, we have lost the social structure that supported our emotional health and now anything of feeling requires too much effort. Maybe it is best to simply not feel. Certainly there are many ways to get our chemical highs and stave off our lows—drinking, drugs, shopping, gambling, working ourselves to death—but that doesn’t replace or promote what could be a rich life of deeply felt emotions and connectivity.

Feeling and processing our emotions is the key to a strong underlying current of happiness. When we run from emotion, try to get out of feeling, we doom ourselves to carry our feelings with us until they are forced out by a mounting inner pressure, called out by a new, but similar experience, or we voluntarily release them by acknowledging them, experiencing them, accepting them and understanding them.

Many years ago, when I was consumed by a crazy anger, my good friend said to me, “Anger is a gift, Tiffany. What is your anger telling you?” What? Anger is a gift? All I wanted to do was get out of my anger, stop feeling it. Because I was so focused on not feeling it, I was missing something very important, the gift of my emotion. Emotions tell us crucial things about ourselves. They provide us with an opportunity to see deep into the psyche, to the heart of need, desire and longing. Carrying unexpressed emotions around takes a significant amount of energy. When we examine our emotions we are better able to refocus that energy toward the present, toward those things that provide growth and meaning to our lives.

There are lots of folks out there that will tell you that you aren’t a very spiritual or enlightened person if you feel and express your negative emotions. They say they base their opinions on the teachings of the Buddha or Jesus or Eckhart Tolle. But none of these great spiritual teachers say you should “get out” of emotion. Jesus, for instance, clearly expressed his emotions to his companions in the Garden of Gethsemane just before his crucifixion:

He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:37-39)

Jesus is able to express his emotions, and then, feeling heard, he is able to move through those emotions and accomplish his purpose. The great mystic poet Rumi speaks of the value of emotion in his poem “The Guest House”. (See the poem in full by clicking on the link in the Cool Links sidebar.) When speaking of the value of emotion he says, “Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture.” In the end these emotions “may be clearing you out for some new delight.” He says that all of our emotions should be treated with respect because they are each “sent as a guide from beyond.”

In fact many of the great mystics experienced revelation and “the Source” by delving into emotion to find its root. Eckhart Tolle tells us that before we can begin seeing our emotions for what they are we have to be sure we are actually feeling our emotions. The repression of emotions is not an enlightened state. He says we have to practice just feeling emotions so that eventually we can step back from them a bit and identify where the energy of those feelings originates. (By the way, this applies to the “good” emotions as well.)

When I was a teen, a drug and alcohol therapist told me, “Tiff, emotions aren’t wrong; it’s what we do with them…” This echoes the instruction of great teachers such as Vimalakirti, Thich Naht Hahn, and Jesus who encourage us as part of our spiritual path to stop breaking up our lives into dichotomies such as good/bad and right/wrong and to simply focus on what is. It is so vital to living fully, and especially to recovering from excessive anxiety, that we stop categorizing our feelings. When we exalt one and demonize another, we lose sight of the fact that the gift of all emotions is the direction they provide us on our path toward wholeness. They show us where the work needs to be done in our lives.

Before any of that work can be done we have to accept that emotions are a gift. We have to recognize that we are having emotions even if we are not expressing them. We have to permit ourselves to feel and express them. Then, at last, we can understand them, and ultimately let them go.

The acceptance and processing of emotions is not easy for those of us battling anxiety, but diligence and practice will undoubtedly increase the speed with which you move through these steps. Be patient with yourself. Everyday you will have new “guests” trying to clear you out. And you will have the work of cleaning out the store of emotions from your past. This takes time.

As Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, Tibetan Buddhist teacher and founder of the Shamabala Community, says, "It takes a long time to take our fences down. The first step is to learn to love ourselves, make friends with ourselves, not torture ourselves anymore."* This is the journey I’ve been on as I’ve sought to find my way through and out of anxiety. Emotion has been woven into every aspect of my anxiety. I have encountered emotions in every step as I have attempted to unravel it. I am grateful to my friends and husband who remind me to be patient even today as I pull apart the final threads.


*From Working with People in The Myth of Freedom

Out of Anxiety -- Part I

A few years ago, when I was suffering from severe anxiety during and following an attempted adoption, I struggled to find information on anxiety that focused on managing it or eliminating it. I went to therapy. But while I gleaned a lot about myself and my failed coping strategies, I didn’t get what I needed to begin living each day as a sane and healthy person. I found the usual rhetoric about exercising more and explanations about the “fight or flight” response. But no book or article or study ever addressed the larger picture of anxiety. I needed to interrupt the processes that were eating away at my sense of emotional security. So I researched the chemistry of anxiety. I researched diet, exercise, meditation, and more. I read and I read and I read. What I didn’t find was a clear program for dealing with my anxiety. What I DID find was the information I needed to create my own.

A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine and I were talking about his/her anxiety. I realized that what I told my friend might be useful to other people who, like us, felt lost in that sea of anxiety without any means of getting out.

Excessive anxiety is a hyperbolic state of fear which has differently nuanced triggers depending on what our life experiences have been. I describe it as a whirlwind. Some trigger stirs the sensation that something isn’t right, isn’t safe. For most people this sensation comes and goes barely noticed. But for people who suffer from anxiety, that feeling begins to grow itself, feeding off fear, shame, and guilt until it is a full blown tornado tearing up everything around it.
Just like in the rest of the animal kingdom, human anxiety is a response to the perceived threat of annihilation. Despite all of our efforts to complicate the topic, our anxiety has the same root. Of course, we humans don’t like to be simple. Our big brains need something more to do, don’t they? We create complex rules and mores that can both aid and inhibit our ability to function in the face of fear. And we do not only worry about our physical extinction either. We fear the loss of our sense of self and/or our position in the social network that supports us, our worthiness. Because we are social creatures, we are not always at liberty—or at least we believe we are not at liberty—to address these concerns when they arise.

For instance, if we believe that our fearfulness shows a lack of trust in God and trust in God is an all-important value in our network, then we are less likely to seek support when we are faced with fears whatever they might be. If we believe that talking about sex is immoral or too private, then we will not discuss fears and difficulties when we experience them, and so on. You get the idea. This problem is of particular concern for children who may not have the knowledge of or access to outside support when their need for safety and stability is not being met by one or both parents/caregivers. When reaching out for support and normalization is out of the question, a vast array of coping techniques—each with inherent consequences—must be employed in order to maintain functionality. And in this way we begin to bury very simple and manageable fear beneath a landslide of muddy complication.

For me, the key was to get back to the basics and work my way out with a simple plan that, before all else, required me to slow down and be patient and kind with myself. I also needed to recognize that what I’d been doing to cope up to that point wasn’t working and I would need to learn new skills. (Ugh.) Having experienced and recovered from excessive anxiety, I can tell you that if you have excessive anxiety more than likely you spent your life building that anxiety or, at the very least, the conditions in which your current anxiety rooted itself and began to grow. So beginning with the awareness that recovery would not happen in a snap was essential to my being able to step out of the whirlwind. Habit building takes time.

This world that we live in is moving so quickly. More information is thrown at us in a given day than ever has been in the history of humankind. It feels sometimes like we live in little more than organized chaos. And we are so busy. Modern conveniences were supposed to make our lives easier, but somehow they have been misappropriated to make room for more responsibility, more obligation, more busy-work. I was struck when I learned that when analyzing the lives of the few hunter-gather communities left researchers determined that they have more leisure time, not less, than we do despite not having any modern conveniences. What does that say about us “civilized” folk? Perhaps we have modernized ourselves out of the conditions that allowed for good mental health. Let me give you an example.
The car was a huge breakthrough in the course of transportation innovation. But I would argue that the car was one of single worst inventions in respect to mental health. Prior to the invention of the car, people generally walked to get where they needed to go. Science tells us now that the very act of walking improves brain function by increasing circulation and stimulating brain growth. People who walk on a very regular basis have better memories, greater cognition and exhibit better decision making skills. Also, walking uses up the excess adrenaline which is produced in times of stress.

Because walking was the primary mode of transportation, communities were built in a very specific way, in two concentric circles. In the inner circle a large portion of the population lived close together in a town where they could practice their trade and have access to services. In the outer circle lived mostly farmers. These circles were locked in a mutual dependence which necessitated regular interaction with neighbors, friends and family. Their mutual dependency gave meaning to their work. Both regular interaction with friends and neighbors and meaningful work are known to mitigate stress. The first creates a sense of stability and support and the second enables the individual to know that s/he is efficacious and that their efforts are valuable.

With the advent of the car, people slowly began to walk less, live further apart, work further from home, spend an increasingly longer amount of time in an isolation bubble make of plastic, steel and glass. The suburbs were born. No more trips on foot to the local general store to get supplies, talk to the townsfolk, smile at your neighbors and be smiled at in turn. We’ve de-centralized. Now we need a car to get our supplies which means we have to spend our resources to afford the car, the insurance and the registration, which may mean we have to do less meaningful work to make more money to afford the car. Of course I could take this further and further. There is no end to the negative impact that cars have on our lives. But the long story short is that we have become less connected to those around us and less physically active, both of which reduce our ability to cope with stress. Recovery from anxiety is an opportunity to examine and implement a lifestyle many of us have never known—one that is slower paced, more contemplative, rooted in nature’s rhythms, and defined by connectedness.

Chimps or Scientists?

I have a few questions about the medical profession. Now when I say medical profession I mean M.D.s and D.O.s, not chiropractors, midwives, naturopaths, psychotherapists and acupuncturists. My question is where has the science gone? It seems to me these days that most doctors (not all) are not really scientists at all. They fail to see how anything can be done differently or better. They stick to what they learned in medical school or what drug companies teach them at their weekend “seminars” and lunches and ignore exciting research being done outside of the clinical setting or in other countries. They fixate on antiquated methods and become stubbornly opposed to new methods of treating disease.

And forget prevention. Healthcare is a complete misnomer. It is sick care and symptom management. To this day doctors tell patients who are gluten intolerant to keep eating gluten until they have celiac disease. And, I’m learning that the same is true for other conditions as well. Adrenal fatigue is hardly recognized in the allopathic community until it is full blown Addison’s Disease. It is a light switch mentality. You either have it or you don’t and there is nothing in between. Celiac and Addison’s are serious problems that may include irreversible damage to vital organs. So how does it make sense to not treat and advise patients before their condition becomes life threatening? Occasionally I find a doctor who is honest about this reality. “I have medications and I have surgery. This is what I have to offer.” Refreshing, but still disappointing. Basically she was saying, “I can’t help you unless you are willing to walk away with your symptoms masked or until you are in a crisis.”

The other day when I was watching a PBS show called The Human Spark, I learned something about the differences between chimpanzees and humans. Chimps apparently learn nearly everything by watching others. They watch, they learn and they copy methods exactly. Sometimes they stumble upon something new, but once they learn to do something one way, they won’t change. Humans on the other hand will sometimes try to find a new and better way of getting a job done. This is the difference between us and our closest primate relatives.

I find it fascinating how little fascination doctors have with the puzzle of human illness. Our “brightest minds” and all they can do is imitate their predecessors. Is it possible that today’s mainstream medical professionals are more chimp than scientist? Where is the wonder, the curiosity?

When I visit my naturopath, who was a PhD in biology before going to naturopathy school, I am always impressed at how he lights up at the chance to tackle a challenge. He is curious and determined and on top of what is new in the research. Because of this he has pulled me out of some pretty miserable moments when my conventional physicians had given up. I like that he recognizes that I know my own body and that I am an intelligent person. I like that I can bring him new information that I have found and he doesn’t get irritated. In fact he loves it. I like that he asks questions and is willing to say “I don’t know.” He is a humble man and a perpetual student and a great practitioner. He has the heart of a scientist. I wish they would teach that in medical school.