New Vaccine Update - Menactra

Have you seen the commercial for Menactra, the new vaccine on the market? The Menactra commercial consists of a series of images of young adults and teens doing what comes naturally, ie. living. The voice over explains how dangerous life can be with meningitis lurking just around the corner. Come on!

Here are the facts. Meningococcal Meningitis is not that common.* Firstly, like HPV, it is common microflora in the nose and throat of 5-10% of people. Occassionally, it mutates and becomes an infectious disease. In the US approximately 3000 people come down with Meningitis. Of those infected, about 10% will die. The death rate for Meningitis in the US is therefore 300 per 301,139,94. In the target group, teens and college students, about 15 will die each year. I still haven't found any information on whether those who do die from this disease are immune compromised, lacking insurance, or disinclined to seek medical treatment until it's too late (has a blood infection.) The disease is typically treated with IV antibiotics and hospitalization.

Menactra is a new line of defense against Meningitis. Sadly, this vaccine has not been proven to be generally effective nor does it provide immunity for more than 3 years in those for whom it is effective. Menactra's predecessor Menomune, in addition to sharing the issue of short term effectiveness, also becomes less effective with boosters. Menactra has not been shown to overcome this problem because of its relative newness. Also, if you have a latex allergy (which is quite common) or a diagnosis of Guillian-Barre syndrome, you should avoid this vaccine.

Meningitis is much more common in Africa and during the Hajj (the annual pilgrimage to Mecca.) If you are planning to travel to one of the higher risk areas of the world (see the list on the CDC website) you might consider the vaccine for possible short-term protection from the 4 most common mutations of meningitis. Otherwise, you might head the words of Nancy Reagan and "Just Say NO!"

*This information is not applicable to HIB meningitis for which infants are usually vaccinated.

The HPV Vaccine and the Vaccine Surge Part II

Cervical cancer is not very common in the US where only 11,000 women are diagnosed with it each year, a 1/3 of whom will die from the disease. Those numbers continue to fall every year. For the most part cervical cancer is a disease of poverty, i.e. resulting from malnutrition and a lack of access to healthcare. American women afflicted are primary the poor or those who refuse pap smears for religious or cultural reasons.

Cervical cancer is the only known sexually transmitted cancer. The virus which causes cervical cancer is called Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). There are well over 100 types of HPV known to medical science. The numerous types of HPV manifest in various ways all involving skin or mucous membranes, eg. Plantar warts, genital warts, and cervical cancer. Some estimates suggest that 95% of sexually active women and men will be infected with a sexually transmitted HPV strain in their lifetime. As with the flu virus the human body is well equipped to fight infection so long as the immune system is not compromised. In normal healthy adults, HPV is brought under control within 6-18 months of infection.

Because HPV lives in the skin and mucous membranes, the use of condoms does not prevent transmission. However, some studies show that the use of condoms limits exposure to the moister areas of the genitalia and thereby decreases the rate of transmission. The only way to insure that you are not infected with HPV is to avoid any contact with another’s genitalia or to be certain that your chosen partner has never been in contact with another’s genitalia.

So why not try to inoculate all women against HPV with the new vaccine Gardasil? (Name is a contraction of guard against squamous intraepithelial lesion.) There are several reasons why I will not have this vaccine administered to my daughters. Firstly, the study was crap. Yes, I said crap! Though it covered over 11,000 participants, those women ranged in age from 9-26 and came from divergent religious and cultural backgrounds in various nations. We should assume that several of the participants were not sexually active nor part of an at risk population because of age or cultural/religious taboos against sexual activity. Also, if any participant was sexually active prior to receiving the vaccine then she cannot be counted as part of a prevention study. Even the manufacturer of Gardasil (Merck) recognizes that there may be no benefit to women who have already been infected with the HPV strains that it targets (6, 11, 16 & 18). The study becomes much smaller when these women are disqualified.

The most glaring error in this study was its duration. The study was completed in less than four years, whereas it takes approximately 10-15 years for cervical cancer to develop from an HPV infection. The study calculated its success based on the precursors of cervical cancer, namely the presence of lesions. The truth is four years may not be long enough for the development of lesions after exposure. So even if the women in the study were not sexually active when they were given Gardasil and became sexually active within the study period, the absence of lesions in study participants would still mean nothing.

The reality is that HPV has the ability to remain latent (basically hidden in small numbers) for many, many years in the body. In times of great stress or immune suppression (such as with the hormonal changes in pregnancy) the virus can resurface and replicate. Still it will take a year or more for cell mutations to be recognizable. Even when a lesion does form, the body can still fight and reverse the cell changes because in truth the human immune system is excellent at managing HPV infection. Very few women go on to develop high-grade lesions. In the meantime there are several excellent treatments that remove lesions and in the process enable the body to develop immunity.

My last complaint concerns the vaccine itself. Gardasil and the placebo it was tested against contain aluminum. Normally when a vaccine or other injectible is tested, it is tested against a saline (salt water) placebo. Gardasil was tested against a placebo containing the aluminum preservative found in the vaccine itself. This created false data regarding the side effects of the vaccine. Since the vaccine showed only a negligible increase in side effects compared to placebo, it reads as relatively safe. But since aluminum itself is toxic to the human body those side effects resulting from the vaccine and the placebo could be substantial but not accounted for in the study. Already serious side effects are being reported from this vaccine.

Everyone should be worried about injecting aluminum into their bodies. Aluminum is implicated in serious conditions of toxicity including encephalopathy, coma, cancer, microcytic anemia and bone brittleness. It is also a leading cause of discomfort at the site of injection when an ingredient in vaccines.

So what we have in Gardasil is a poorly and deceitfully conducted study proving neither effectiveness nor safety. Now our various governmental institutions want to legislate its use! Stand up and say “NO!” Senators and congresspersons on the whole don’t know much about vaccines or medicine or even good research. They only know what a corrupt FDA and CDC tells them about a disease and its treatment options.

After all of the millions of dollars spent on the development of this vaccine, the best treatment of HPV remain a good diet and a healthy, low-stress lifestyle. The best prevention is comprehensive sex education that teaches kids about the risks associated with sexual activity and having multiple partners. And of course, if sexually active, a woman should have a pap smear every year without fail. Do this for yourself and your daughters and you can skip the vaccine.

The HPV Vaccine and the Vaccine Surge Part I

In my circle, I am often called by parents looking for information about immunization and vaccine safety. I'm the lady who knows stuff, who reads the articles. I'm the lady who has her ear to the ground. And it's true. I am a cautious customer when it comes to pharmaceuticals. Like all the great wonder drugs of western medicine, I believe vaccines have their place. But I think that place has been grossly exaggerated for the profit of companies who make those vaccines. We can all be grateful for the tetnus vaccine, HIB and even measles, mumps and rubella (though not in combination.) But when did we start putting all of those vaccines into one shot? When did we feel the need to find vaccines for illnesses that pose little threat to community or individual. When did we decide it was necessary to legislate their use?

Take polio for instance. Overwhelming evidence exists that the polio vaccine did nothing to irradicate the disease. It just so happened that the vaccine came on the scene as polio was running toward its natural end. Think "the plague." Nobody developed a vaccine that halted its progress. It ran its course and then disappeared. Polio was the same on a much smaller scale. Despite the fact that there have been no cases of polio in the US for three decades, children still receive this vaccine.

Then of course there is the chickenpox vaccine. Most everyone I know had chickenpox as a child and no one I know knows anyone who ever died from it. Yes, it was itchy, but I got to stay home from school and watch cartoons. That's a wash. Nowadays, chickenpox is a "public health risk which threatens our schools." So the government approves mandatory vaccination for chickenpox. What? Firstly, this vaccine is only about 60% effective in creating immunity which means that 40 out of 100 kids exposed to chickenpox or shingles will still have to fight off the infection. Beyond that, the vaccine does not appear to provide lifelong immunity when it works at all.

Why is short term immunity a problem when you can just go get another shot? Well it goes something like this. In the "normal world" a kid gets the chickenpox, may or may not have symptoms, and passes it on to the next kid. In the process the child becomes immune to the chickenpox because the virus (varicella zoster) does not leave the body. The immune system continues to respond by producing antibodies. A quality side effect of the child's infection is the exposure of the caregivers to the virus. The caregivers, who presumably had the chickenpox in childhood, get an immune system wake up call, which results in a sort of self-reimmunization. When an adult has not been exposed to chickenpox in childhood or when they have not been re-exposed for several decades (as the case often is with the elderly) they can contract the varicella virus which manifests as adult chickenpox or shingles, a very painful, localized skin eruption that usually travels along a single branch of nerves along the trunk of the body.

Because the vaccine reduces the number of children getting chickenpox, it is increasing the number of adults who are not being self-reimmunized by exposure. Since the introduction of the chickenpox vaccine the incidence of shingles has sky-rocketed(in the last three years I know of 2 in my general acquaintance.) And because the vaccine is not highly effective, there is no guarantee of irradication or that when you get the vaccine (especially as an adult booster) it will protect you from shingles which is infinitely more disagreeable than chickenpox. The best advice I was given about this vaccine is this: Don't give it to your kid. When you know someone with chickenpox, let your kid go play at their house. When your child reaches the age of 10 have them tested for the antibody even if you never saw a single chickenpock. If they are immune, no worries; if not, get them vaccinated. Of course they will have to remember to do it again and again, roughly every 10 years with still no guarantee of immunity.

If the chickenpox vaccine doesn't make sense, then the Hepatitis B vaccine mandate is a cruel joke. This vaccine is given to infants, often before they leave the hospital (another reason for home birth!) Hepatitis B is a sexually transmitted disease that can also be acquired by sharing needles or an exchange of blood with an infected person. Is your infant shooting up? Is your infant engaging in risky sexual behaviors? No? Then your child is NOT AT RISK! The only infants that should be vaccinated for HB are babies whose mothers are infected with HB. This information can be obtained from routine prenatal blood tests prior to giving birth. We do not require a mass vaccination effort.

In the United States, fewer than 11,000 new cases of Hepatitis B were reported in 1996 (less than 300 of those were children.) That number has been falling because the number of people using injectible drugs is on the decline. Of those who are infected only 0.1% ever die, ie. 259 people a year!) 95% of those infected completely recover and develop lifetime immunity. Additionally, HB is not easy to transmit. Even direct exposure may not result in disease acquisition.

To add insult to injury, the new version of the HB vaccine, RECOMBIVAX HB, is genetically engineered and was never adequately tested for saftey or for long term efficacy. Sadly, the number of people suffering from adverse reactions to HB vaccine is growing rapidly. Thousands of HB vaccinees have reactions that result in permanent disabilities including blindness, brain damage, mulitiple sclerosis, Guillian-Barre syndrome, and death primary in the form of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). (see Institue of Medicine Report 1994)

So why is the government pushing these new and out-dated vaccines like a street-side dealer? Moolah! Cashola! Money in the form of research funding from pharmaceutical companies puts the power to dictate Food and Drug Safety protocols into the hands of the drug makers themselves. An enormous percentage of the funding received by the CDC and the FDA comes from drug companies that manufacture vaccines. It is sick and incestuous. The CDC and FDA give recommendations to congress about what vaccines should be mandatory, then the federal government provides incentives to states based on the number of children in the state that are fully vaccinated. This promotes statewide efforts to vaccinate children, usually by legislating that children have to be fully vaccinated to attend public schools or daycare programs. Also, pressure is put on low-income families to vaccinate through government paid programs. For instance, a woman on WIC can choose to have her children fully vaccinated for free (i.e. using tax-payer dollars) or she can accept $25 less per month in WIC benefits. Hmmm.

Sounds like conspiracy theory, I know. But the reality is that the paper trail is there for all to see. You just have to look and ask questions. "Who funded this study? Where did this information come from?" I got curious, and being a researcher at heart, found more than I ever wanted to know. Do I believe that some vaccines are useful? Yes, of course I do, but not all of them. Even HB vaccine might be a good choice if you work in a criminal facility or spend a lot of time in Africa or the Far East where HB infection rates are high. (compare 5-20% of the population vs. 0.1% of the population in the US) But I do not trust the FDA which brought us such delights as Olean which depletes the body of fat-soluble vitamins and causes anal leakage, or Aspartame which was proven to cause brain tumors in clinical trials and was still "pushed through." Or for that matter an FDA that has banned Estriol, a natural estrogen replacement treatment for menopause that has been used safely in Europe for over 3 decades. The FDA banned it because the makers of Premarin, the leading HRT drug, filed a citizen's complaint that it was being marketed as a menopause treatment by compounding pharmacies. Of course no one had the money to stand in the way of that decision since natural substances like estriol are unpatentable. (By the way the name Premarin is a contraction of Pregnant Mare's Urine, the source of the drug. This drug has been proven to cause blood clots and stroke, among other deadly conditions, in the women who use it because horse estrogens are 100 times stronger than human estrogens. No thank you.)

So the more I know, the more careful I am about what I put into my body and the bodies of my children. The newest vaccine craze is the HPV vaccine Gardasil. They even ADVERTISE it on television. "I'm One Less." One less what? One less informed consumer. I have read a library's worth of books and articles about HPV and cervical cancer, so I was ready when this one came around. The phone has already started ringing. More on that one in Part II.

Man Cannot Live By Bread Alone; And Sometimes It's the Bread That Kills Him

I have celiac disease. I don't know why I haven't blogged about it before now, but I think it is about time. This is a general overview of celiac disease and gluten intolerance.

What is celiac disease? Celiac disease almost always begins with a genetic predisposition. At any point in the life of a predisposed person a celiac gene can get turned on. This can happen in the womb, after a serious illness or viral infection, or with significant hormonal changes like puberty, pregnancy or menopause. When one or more of these genes gets "turned on" the person becomes gluten intolerant. That is when all hell breaks loose.

In simple terms: The gluten intolerant person eats gluten (the protein found in WHEAT, RYE, BARLEY, KAMUT, SPELT, MALT, and most commercial OATS.) When the gluten protein enters the small intestine, the body views the gluten like it would a virus protein. So the immune system send out antibodies and also attacks the small protrusions that cover the lining of the intestine where the gluten is absorbed (villi.) Eventually the villi flatten completely and you have celiac disease. Because the body is attacking itself, celiac disease is an autoimmune disease.

Current estimates are that 1 in 100 Americans have celiac disease, but only 1% of those people know it. Until very recently, most gastroenterologists (gut doctors) thought that CD was very rare and only appeared in children. Likewise they were taught that unless all your villi were flattened you did not have celiac disease and therefore did not need to avoid gluten. I'm no doctor, but this sounds like one of the dumbest things I have ever heard! Recent studies show that as many as 29% of Americans are gluten intolerant, i.e. that they have this autoimmune reaction happening in their guts every day. Still physicians do not advise these folks to stop eating gluten because the patient will reverse the condition and the doctor won't know when the person ACTUALLY HAS full blown celiac disease!!! Insanity! "We need you to be 100% sick before we can recommend the tried and true treatment that can cure your condition right now."

The significance of gluten intolerance to the individual is three fold: symptoms, system-wide effects, and co-diseases, all of which can seriously affect your quality of life long before you technically have celiac disease.

The traditional symptoms of gluten intolerance are varied and include diarrhea, constipation, bloating, stomach aches, abdominal discomfort, stabbing sensation in abdomen, nausea, and unexplained weight gain or loss. We all have one or more of these symptoms at some point. The concern comes when the problem is repeated and significant. Symptoms tend to be worse in early childhood, decrease or disappear during puberty, then reappear and worsen as time goes on. However, some men and women do not develop traditional symptoms until later in life, and occasionally will have no obvious symptoms at all.

Still there are serious system-wide issues resulting from gluten intolerance that can occur with or without tradtional symptoms. Because the villi in the small intestine are constantly under attack a) the immune system is always "on" using up the body's resources and resulting in fatigue, and b) the nutrients that are normally absorbed in the same section of the intestine as gluten can not be absorbed in part or at all into the body. Illnesses related to these two factors are chronic fatigue symdrome, chronic migraine syndrome, anemias (both iron-deficiency and macrocytic), anxiety and depression, chronic muscle and joint pain, hormone imbalances, infertility, schizophrenia (approx. 10%), various cancers, osteopenia/osteoporosis, growth failure in children, ADD/ADHD, and skin conditions especially dermatitis herpetiformis.

Celiac Disease also tends to present with other diseases, especially other autoimmune diseases such as: diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, Hepatitis C, non-Hodgkins lymphoma, Crohn's disease (nearly 60% are gluten intolerant according to an Italian study,) asthma, scleroderma, rheumatoid arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, microscopic colitis, gastroesophageal reflux disease, peripheral neuropathy, ataxia, seizure disorders such as epilepsy, thyroid disorders, downs syndrome, addisons disease, dental enamal hypoplasia, multiple sclerosis, pancreatic disorders, gallbladder disease, impotency, autism.

If you have or you have a family history of any of the above symptoms, conditions or diseases, you could be gluten intolerant. For testing info, check out the cool links section. The good news is that if your problems result from your being gluten intolerant, they will improve or be eliminated by switching to a gluten free diet.

Interesting facts:

3 times as many women as men are diagnosed with celiac disease. Is it because women have more natural events that could turn the gene on or because women are more likely to seek medical help?

A sufferer of celiac disease gets a diagnosis on average 11 years after first seeking medical help.

Autism affects 3 times as many boys as it does girls. Many researchers believe that gluten, along with cow's milk protein (casein), plays a role in autism spectrum disorders which include ADD and ADHD. In a 2001 study more than twice as many kids with celiac disease had these disorders than the control group.

Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman Series

As many of you know, I am a fan of all things Jane Austen. I see the movies and the documentaries and read her books and the books of her contemporaries. I even read the knock offs and the continuations and the stories rewritten from the perspectives of other characters. As I said, ALL things Jane Austen. If only she had lived a little longer, I could obsess about her work more. Alas, I must settle with modern writers churning out their best attempts at imitation or innovation.

In the vast quagmire that is Jane Austen-inspired literature, there is not much to speak of. As you may have noted, I recently stepped into a rather pornographic novel of the early days of Elizabeth and Darcy's wedded life. Yuck and more yuck! Truth be told, it is more miss than hit out there. This being said, about two months ago I stumbled upon the Fitwilliam Darcy, Gentleman series: An Assembly Such As This, Duty and Desire, and These Three Remain. For only the second time have I found a book (or rather three books) that gave life to Austen's own characters in a way that did not conflict with the author's own work. In the process of reading them, I found myself taking for granted that Pamela Aidan's new revelations as regards the characters were in fact TRUE bits that Austen simply hadn't the space or time to divulge. Surely these were the actual history, thoughts, and private actions of the characters. What a welcome surprise.

The first book in the series recounts the initial interactions of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet but all from his perspective. Certainly it is a more masculine representation of events, but it is not without all the allure of Austen's own romantic style. The second book is quite a treat. Wholly unexpected, this book is roughly in the style of a Gothic novel, very popular in Austen's day. In this installment we get a peek into Mr. Darcy's private life, his London set and internal struggles with duty and desire, as the name suggests. In the midst of all this new information about our beloved Mr. Darcy, a dark mystery emerges. This wonderful little extra is complete with a greater history of Darcy's sister Georgiana and the introduction of a few new characters whose interest is so great you will wonder why Austen never mentioned them herself. The final book is a return to Pride and Prejudice as Mr. Darcy re-enters the life of Miss Bennet and leaves you once again with a desire for more, more, more.

For Austen fanatics, nothing could be better than the gift of a little bit more. Pamela Aidan more than delivers. I liked it so much that I may just buy it to keep the rest of my Austen library company.

YES WE DID!

It has been nearly a month since I wrote to you all. Not really neglect actually since Dell felt they needed my computer for 17 days to replace the LCD screen. Apparently they struggle with customer service. But that is for another time.

Tonight is all about HOPE for the future, HOPE for our country. I have never been more proud to be an American.

So many wonderful, dedicated people in my community and around the country worked tirelessly to transform this nation. I am greatly indebted to them. Thank you all for your efforts, your votes and your belief that "we CAN heal this nation." It was my privelege to work beside them.

Most of all I want to thank President elect Barack Obama for bringing his vision to us all and for daring us to reach beyond fear into possibility. November 4, 2008 HOPE WINS!

Catching Up

I can't believe it is October 7th already. Another debate this evening, another day closer to the election. I have to admit, I have tuned most of it out for sanity's sake. But I will watch the debate tonight. It's like a train wreck these days. Getting kind of ugly and stupid. Let's just rehash the same old supposed scandles (on both sides) and ignore the issues that plague the vast majority of Americans today. Yuck! I am heartily ashamed of Obama right now. He needs to go back to being himself and tell those campaign strategists to pack up their desks.

On the McCain (McPain) side of things, the picture is a bit uglier. As their place in the polls recedes into the depths, they get meaner and more ridiculous. Dear God, Bill Ayers again! The man was an activist (albeit a misdirected, violent one) during the Vietnam War era, who felt powerless and angry and desperately wanted to save the lives of American soldiers and the Vietnamese people. But guess what? He grew up. The man, forty years later, is a respected authority on education reform and a distinguished professor at one of the most prestigious academic institutions in the country, the University of Chicago. That aside, he and Obama sat on two charity boards together and saw each other little more than a dozen times. It grosses me out that McCain/Palin are labelling the man a terrorist and equating him with Osama bin Laden. The inanity of that is off the charts.

Then there is Palin's remark about Rev. Wright (again!) Who is she to be talking about religious anything? This woman had a witch hunter pray over her that she might win her state governor's election. And when she won, she thanked him and attributed the win to his prayers. Come on. Is America even paying attention? A witch hunter, people! A witch hunter! God help us all.

Rev. Wright spent a lifetime being angry about racism and that anger and the injustices that he has experienced are reflected in his theology. If he is disappointed in America, it is probably because he's been paying attention. I myself had a period of disenchanted anti-nationalism. That period occurred after I saw pictures of the torture of Timorese women (wives of soldiers) by Indonesian soldiers. The soldiers were schooled in these "interrogation techniques" by our own government ala The School of the Americas. (Wikipedia has a very brief description of this organization if you are interested.) I nearly vomitted. My motto ever since: Glad to be an American. Though nowadays, I'm not all that certain that being an American protects you from unlawful imprisonment and torture.

I just wish these politicians (including most of my state ones) would just get a clue. If they are really interested in helping people they should start by setting a positive example with their words and actions. This crap is petty and it just makes me tired. Hopefully this debate will evoke something substantive from each of the candidates.

I hope to have a new installment of my love letters series soon, this one on meditation and prayer. BUT I've been back at my other eternal writing project again, so who knows when I will publish that post? Until then, be well and don't believe everything you hear, unless you've read it here of course :)

A Reminder To Myself

You have heard it was said, "You shall love you neighbor and hate your enemy." But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends the rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? (Matthew 5:43-46)

I have a bumper sticker on my car that reads “I’m for the separation of church and hate.” I don’t know, but that seems like a no-brainer to me. Sadly, more and more often I hear about pastors standing in the pulpits of their churches and preaching the theology of hate and control to their congregants instead of the theology of love. Lately, I have allowed myself to be taken over by a reactionary stance—if you hate me, I’m going to hate you right back. If your are going to judge me, then I am going to judge you right back. If you see me as being separate from God, clearly that is a sign that you are separate from God, and so on. The political season draws me into this space, this ideological banter does little more than generate fear. And fear is what I feel these days. I am terrified that John McCain and Sarah Palin will lead this country away from the path of progress that I had come to take for granted before the Bush years. I am terrified that I will lose my rights because I am a woman. I am terrified about the direction of healthcare and the economy and the state of education in this country and in the over-crowded, under-funded school that my children attend. So I fight back in the age old wisdomless way, throwing my own punches. I stick with the truth, but there isn’t love in my intention, only fear and anger these days. There is no end to this type of black and white kind of arguing in which I and my opponents engage. There is no end except to step outside of this type of thinking altogether and return to the scriptures, to the words of Jesus and other great beacons of light. I want to go back to a few months ago when I didn't have to work on the separation of me and hate.

In more than twenty world religions, dating back in written form to as early as 1970 BC, there has existed at the heart of faith and social governance a rule common to all—the Golden Rule. In Judaism we know it from Leviticus 19:18, “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” In Christianity we have this wonderful passage from the Gospel of Luke.

Just then a lawyer stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he said, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the law? What do you read there?” He answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” And he said to him, “You have given the right answer; do this, and you will live.”

But the man is not satisfied. He needs definitions like the rest of us. Surely Jesus doesn’t mean that we have to treat all people the same. This is the passage where Jesus tells the famous story of the Good Samaritan. It is an odd story if you don’t know the history.

A man is assaulted and left along the roadside. A priest comes by and sees him. He walks to the other side of the road and passes. A Levite also comes by and does the same. So what? Who are these people anyway and what is the significance of their not stopping to help? Both the priest and the Levite are Jews of the priestly class, the highest class. They work in the temple and observe the strictest rules of purity. For this reason they are reluctant to help this battered man lying on the side of the road on the chance that they would be defiled by contact with blood or, worse, contact with a dead body. Here we have two men putting the lesser laws of purity above God’s greater law “love thy neighbor as thyself.” What happens next in the story most likely shocked his audience. Jesus says that another man, a Samaritan, happened along the road and saw the mugging victim. The Samaritan rushed to his aid, bandaged his wounds and provided his own transportation to the beaten man for the remainder of the eighteen mile journey into Jericho. Once they arrived in the town, the Samaritan took the man to an inn and told the host there to provide the man with care, and then he paid the innkeeper for his services to the man.

Now this is the good stuff. Who is the Samaritan, the hero of our story? And what does he have to do with the definition of neighbor? The Samaritans lived to the North of Jerusalem. When the Israelites were conquered the first time by the Babylonians only certain Jews, mostly those of the priestly class and those living around the Temple, were forced into exile. The Temple was destroyed and groups of foreigners were settled in the area amidst the remaining Jews. The Northern Kingdom Jews (the Samaritans) were permitted to stay. With the Jerusalem Temple destroyed, the Samaritans built a new temple on Mount Gerazim. They intermarried with their new neighbors and brought converts to Judaism. When the Babylonians were conquered by the Persians generations later, many of the families of the exiled Jews chose to return to Jerusalem. Very quickly, the descendents of the former priests began to rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem. When the Samaritans heard of this effort, they offered their assistance. They were rejected.

Here is the issue of purity and identity all over again. Before the Babylonian exile Jews had a very “casual” conversion process. Basically, if you showed up in the land, lived by the laws and participated in the local customs, you were a Jew. Once the priestly class was exiled, they had no homeland with which to bind up their identity. At that point, identity as a Jew became a matter of lineage. Since many of the Samaritans who remained in the homeland had intermarried with foreigners, their descendents were no longer considered pure Jews by the returning Jews. Because the Samaritans insisted on being able to sacrifice at Mt. Gerazim as they had during the period of exile and since they were not welcome to sacrifice in Jerusalem, they further cemented their new imposed identity as non-Jews worshipping a false god. (Doesn’t sound very fair, huh?) Thus developed the rift between the Samaritans and the returned Jews.

When Jesus brings a Samaritan to the aid of a Jew he is basically saying that the Samaritan saved the life of his arch enemy, a man who likely persecuted his people and rejected him spiritually. Jesus is telling us that in order to be saved—I believe both in this life and the next—that we have to love our neighbor and that our neighbor is any person we happen upon, even the person who persecutes us or steals from us or oppresses us. Who is this person for you? For me these days Republicans are my battered neighbors alongside the road. And even though I know that I am called by my faith to love them, I am having a hard time doing so. When I imagine the possibility of McCain and Palin as the leaders of this country, I see the future I have dreamt about giving my children disintegrate. I watch their rights as women slip away. And then I get angry. I get angry at everyone near and far who could support these two…who would with their vote deny millions of Americans access to healthcare, send industry packing to foreign countries, relegate me and my daughters to second class citizenship, tell a fourteen year old girl pregnant by her father that she has to carry his child.

This morning I awoke with these thoughts in my mind and with a deep knowing that this is the challenge that God is giving me today—to find a way to break through my anger and see my supposed enemies as the wounded children of God that they are and to love them.

Listening to Your Child, Listening to Your Gut

A girlfriend of mine just sent me an email the other day regarding some horrifying information she saw on Oprah. Oprah is the master at finding ways to make us feel less safe in our lives. Your husband might be secretly gay or dating online. The locks on your doors aren't enough to keep real criminals out. And on and on. We sort of know all the possibilities don't we? We have to filter out some of those thoughts in order to live our lives. Otherwise we would be in a constant adrenaline rush, never trusting anyone, never developing deep love relationships, never allowing our children to individuate for fear that they may get hurt or make the wrong choices. The filter exists to keep us healthy, to prevent neurosis. Instead of simply providing basic information, advice and skills to help us stay alert and prepared for the worst of it all, the Oprah show gives us nightmares, ruins our afternoons, has some women checking their husband's computers for evidence. This is highly uncool and its sensationalist. Maybe if they can scare us just enough we will be awake and prepared for everything.

The particular episode in question covered pedophiles that prey on infants. The details shared by my friend were graphic and horrifying and highly inappropriate for a network television audience. And what did it do to help parents? I doubt it did more than encourage parents to avoid date night. So I want to give you some pratical advice from experience and from the books I have read on the topic.

A few years back a close family friend of ours was arrested and jailed for pedophilia (prepubescent and pubescent boys that we know of). Long before this happened, we had left our baby daughter with that family for an evening while we went on a date. But something happened that night when I picked her up. I got a "feeling" and it stuck with me. It didn't feel like a block hitting me in the head, just a quiet little murmur of discontent. Something he said about changing her stinky diaper, I think, and the way he said it felt off. When my husband and I were trying to find a sitter a few months later, he suggested that family. I said immediately, "I don't want them to watch *our daughter* anymore." He asked why and I said, "I don't know, just a feeling. I'm not comfortable. I'd rather stay home." He was open to hearing that and we didn't go out that night. A few years later that friend was arrested and convicted in a case involving 5 boys, one unidentified who only existed in a picture.

A year later, our daughter was in a sunday school class with a male teacher. In the first few classes it became obvious that our outgoing little girl was sad to go and a bit withdrawn when leaving. When we asked her why, she told us that she didn't like the teacher, Brian. I had noticed that he was always picking her up, but I thought it was because she was having a hard time adjusting. We immediately took her out of the class and told the supervisor why we were moving her to the other class. He didn't come back as a teacher and I don't even see him at church anymore.

My point is that at as hard as these people are to detect in our society, we do get inklings and bits of info that feel "off". You have to FOLLOW YOUR GUT when it comes to your kids. Learn the difference between a gut feeling and your regular parental worry. And WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT THINK! Even if it is a family member. Your child gets only one childhood. Better to be safe and offend someone than sorry and still be friends with a pedophile. If there had not been another sunday school class to put her in, I would have taken her into church with me rather than risk her safety. Also, LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. If your child is outgoing but becomes upset or withdrawn with certain people, that is a sure sign to move them out of contact with that person. The same goes for when they directly ask to avoid certain persons or circumstances. Doing this communicates to your child that you will listen to them when they are afraid and that, more importantly, YOU WILL TAKE ACTION on their behalf.

Empowering your child to tell you her feelings or to tell you when someone says "don't tell your mom or dad", being an obviously vigilent parent, being willing to offend when your gut tells you to do so--these all send messages to pedophiles that your child is not easy prey. And pedophiles always skip over the kids that might get them caught. This is the best advice I can give. Good luck.

Christianity and Abortion

In the time of Christ (and today amongst conservative Jews) a baby wasn't really a person or a member of the community until it was seven days old for males and even longer for females. That is why even to this day the bris (circumsion), which officially brings the baby boy into the community, takes place only after the seven days have passed. Women routinely managed their fertility in the Jewish culture of Jesus' time. In addition to various forms and methods of contraception, they used herbs to end unwanted pregnancies. Today, Jewish women are on the forefront of a woman's right to choose because they have always been in charge of their own bodies. It is a fanciful notion that there was a period in time when all pregnancies resulted in a child regardless of choice.

This has been a time of forgetting for women largely resulting from the efforts of the Roman Catholic Church. And somehow men (sorry to you fellows who don't feel this way) have felt as though they have a right to control a woman's body and to coopt her fertility. Perhaps it is the woman's power of creation, the aspect of her that is most like God, that makes men jealous. And so the only path open to the man who covets the power of creation is to try to control that power in women, though this will never make him a creator himself.

Jesus never spoke of abortion nor is it mentioned in the Bible. Why? Because pregnancy was under the domain of women, just like childbirth and childcare. One of my greatest wishes is that Christians who say they are going to live a Bible-based life take the time to read the Gospels and study the culture and history of Jesus. I wish they would lay off the writings of the Apostle Paul who, every bit prone to error and poor human judgement as the rest of us, tried with great success to position men above women in a spiritual hierarchy. But just because he said it, doesn't make it so. Read the story of Mary and Martha, The Gospel of Mary, The Gospel of Thomas or stories of the early dissemination of Christianity (it was a women's movement, gals!) Why do you think the Romans worked so hard to squash the Gnostic Christians which made up 60% of Christians at the time?

Wake up women! Remember who and what you are! Only those who can create know the implications of such an act. Only those who can create should decide when it is best to do so.

Vice President Sarah Palin?

What would Jesus do? I am really struggling to reconcile the two Sarah Palins that I have been presented with. Runs a campaign to finish the bridge to nowhere; wants to stop the bridge to nowhere (but still keep the federal money for the project!) Thinks pregnant teens should be denied abortions; refuses to fund transitional program for teen mothers. Runs with McCain on the 'Country First' platform; belongs to a seperatist movement calling for Alaska's independence. Says she wants to cut government spending; raised taxes, spending and debt while Mayor of Wasilla. Says she is a maverick shunning lobbyist and Washington insiders and fighting pork-barrel spending; hired a lobbyist to represent Wasilla in Washington to obtain earmarks for millions of dollars of unnecessary spending for Wasilla. Says she is a God-fearing Christian that supports abstinence-only education; see picture below. Would the real Sarah Palin please stand up?

There was a picture here, but I have removed it because there are questions as to it's veracity. Not only that though. The picture was a huge mistake. It detracted from my message and was placed there intially for shock value. (Ouch, I hate admitting that!) So instead of the picture I am amending my post to clarify the point of the above post.

The point of my blog post had nothing to do with the picture, which I regret using. My point is that Sarah Palin is a set of very disturbing contradictions. She doesn't add up. Plain and simple, she is not consistent and therefore untrustworthy.

If you add to that the fact that she believes the Iraq war is a holy war, that schools should teach creationism instead of (or even alongside) science, and that she does not believe women should have the right to choose even in cases of incest or rape, I can't come to any other conclusion than she is a religious whack job.

I don't think people should be restricted in their choice of religion or persecuted because of it. However, when it comes to policy, the religious beliefs of our representatives and executors should not interfere with the upholding of the constitution or our Declaration's preamble guaranteeing "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." She has already been documented to have attempted to deny free speech via book banning. I am, myself, a very religious person. However, my religious beliefs are based on the life and works of Jesus and other great teachers. I read in the Bible that Christ sought to include as many as possible and promoted a type of redemption that was grounded in loving and caring for one another. At no time did he attempt to uphold the powers that be in their wickedness. He demonstrated that love and sacrifice, caring and forgiveness could overthrow the power of wickedness one person at time. Nor did he attempt to guarantee financial wealth to those who believed in his path. On the contrary he says that if you want to be like Him you have to give all of your possessions away and trust God to take care of you like he does the Lilies of the Field. But Sarah Palin and other 'fundamentalists' would have you believe that Jesus was all about making the rich more powerful, the poor even poorer, and the sick a hopeless lot--the exact opposite of Christ's own life and words.

As for her snipes regarding community organizers not having responsibilities or the ability to affect real change, tell that to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony, and all the men of the Boston Tea Party. Community organizers, the whole lot.

Matt Damon speaks about Sarah Palin

Matt Damon speaks out on the reality that Sarah Palin is an unknown and a fundamentalist. He says the thought of her becoming president is terrifying. I whole heartedly agree Matt!

A Promise of Hope by Autumn Stringam

This summer while the girls and I accompanied Steve on a trip to Montana, I ran into a group of four children that I had seen earlier in the day beside a large trailer at our KOA campground. As they walked by—three laughing, one on the verge of tears—I said to them, “Is that your trailer over there with the book cover on the back?” The oldest of the girls replied that it was. I continued, “Are you on a book tour?” The same sweet girl puffed up with pride and answered, “Yep, our mom is a writer. She wrote that book.” “Wow, that’s pretty cool!” I responded, caught up in her excitement and beginning to feel my own. Not too long before that day, I had mentioned to Steve how being on a book tour with a young family would be difficult. I don’t think I would want to leave my kids that long. Then here, in the campground that we chose virtually at random, was a woman who not only managed to write a book with four children bustling about, but who also managed to find a way to make a book tour into a family vacation!

The next day, as I was returning from the bathhouse, I met the same four children, this time with their mom. The kids all said ‘hi’ and then the oldest girl again took the lead, “This our mom!” We began an enthusiastic conversation about writing and parenthood and her book tour as we walked back toward her trailer. I was so impressed by Autumn. She was gentle and welcoming, with an infectious smile; AND she managed to write a book while raising kids--such a inspiration for me, a mom struggling to finish a novel. At the end of our conversation, she offered me a copy of her book. They would be returning home to Alberta, Canada the next day and she had only one remaining copy. I gladly accepted it and walked back to my site. I delightedly announced my new acquaintance to Steve and displayed the book.

About two weeks later, when I had finished reading the three books on my night stand, I curled up with A Promise of Hope.

A Promise of Hope is the largely autobiographical story of Autumn’s childhood and young adulthood facing the struggles of manic depression. The latter third of the book recounts how Autumn, her father, husband and friends fought to legalize a miraculous treatment that has allowed her to live a normal life. This may sound a little heavy for some of you, but I assure you A Promise of Hope is a gorgeous read, both inspirational and touching. Yes, some chapters made me weep, others made me irate, but still among this delicious sea of words there was no escaping the shear humanity of her story, that part that applies to all of our lives.

I am tempted to say that book is concisely written, but I believe it would be more accurate to say that nothing in it is extraneous. Every word brings with it some part of the overall truth. You will simply float along with her masterfully crafted mood and seamless rhythm. I cannot recommend this book more highly. Autumn Stringam is a truly gifted writer who has the added blessing of being the courageous and uncompromising teller of her own truth. This book is for the person who is or knows someone affected with a mental illness. This book is for men and women with depression or with a difficult parental relationship. This book is for anyone who loves to read. Enjoy this gorgeous gift of talent and spirit.

I have included a video clip of Autumn talking about the book and a link in my cool links section to amazon in Canada where the book is currently available.

Barack's Speech to the DNC

This was the speech I was waiting for that outlined the differences between Obama and McCain. I am consistently surprised that Republicans see their candidate as a reflection of Christian values. I have to ask myself, "Have these people ever even read the Bible?" Perhaps they are so mired in the issue of abortion that they fail to see that my candidate of choice, Barack Obama, is a purer reflection of core Christian values. Providing for the poor and ill, sharing resources, being stewards of the earth, seeing all people as equal and entitled to an education, valuing the lives of our brothers and sisters--these are the spirit of Christ's teachings.

McCain is so disconnected from the way that the vast majority of Americans live that he is incapable of leading us out of a what would be a long recession of both financial and spiritual sorts. In part I think his age is a factor, but also his lifestyle puts him into a different category, the 5% whose taxes will go up. He doesn't get that continuing subsidies to oil companies making a record profit is cutting into the quality of education and healthcare for the average American and stunting our exploration of alternative energy sources. He doesn't see that a prolonged war in Iraq costs not only billions of dollars that could improve care for the elderly and poor, but also it robs thousands of families of their loved ones.

Now is the time to step into the 21st century, with compassion, love and respect for all Americans. Enjoy the speech.

This Woman’s Theory As To the Cause of Global Warming…Sort Of

Amid all the speculation as to the cause/acceleration of global warming, I would like to offer my own thought because I think with some period of publication it will be universally regarded as both groundbreaking and true in the ultimate sense. My hypothesis springs out of the much whispered about, though rarely publicly discussed, theory of over-population. People are always so afraid to tell others to stop having so many damn babies. Sure, its true that sweet little babies grow up into energy consumers and that those energy consumers are responsible for ridiculous amounts of carbon emitted into the atmosphere, but is that really all there is to it? I think not. In fact, what I believe is that, even though the earth has never before had so many people on it, it would be more accurate to say that never before has the earth had so many women going through menopause on it. Think about it. All those hot flashes and night sweats, hundreds of millions of women like miniature nuclear reactors putting out obscene amounts of heat--the polar ice caps never had a chance.

So now that you can see what my post is really about, men, you may go back to your sports page.

Women, you may be wondering, “What does she know about menopause, young thing that she is?” Well, my friends, at long last, I have received an official diagnosis of perimenopause, only two and a half years since I began having symptoms. And what a ride these last couple of years have been. I’ve had surgery, been screened for various cancers, and been put on high dose hormones to shock my system back into shape. After all with symptoms like hot flashes, night sweats, irregular periods, moodiness, nausea, frequent anovulation, et al. what else could be? Certainly not perimenopause. Premature menopause is very rare. “You are simply too young,” they said.

“Well don’t you think it could be? I have all the symptoms,” I replied.

“In fifteen years, I would say absolutely, perimenopause. But you’re in your early 30’s. So we’ll keep looking.”

“Can’t I be that rare person? There is a name for it, so somebody must have been through ‘the change’ early.”

“Hmmpf. We’ll keep looking.”

Finally, a year ago, the 4th doctor said, “I think we should keep an eye on this. It could be perimenopause. You have celiac disease and that puts you at a higher risk for premature menopause*.” I thought I was losing my mind. Every other doctor knew that I had celiac disease. This one was a keeper. She put me on herbs and a small amount of hormones. When I didn’t react well to the hormones, she took me off the hormones and gave me an entirely herbal and vitamin supplement regimen. For nine months, this worked wonders. Then the symptoms came back. I had the choice between an expensive herbal treatment and another shot at a different hormone treatment that my insurance would cover. I went with the hormones. I guess I just got sick of spending so much out of pocket on my health care. Even after reading the online brochure’s list of side effects and drug interactions, I still figured it was worth a try to save $70 a month.

Well that was a copay wasted! In less than a week, I began feeling anxious, irritable, really nauseated after every meal, my contacts weren’t working right and late in the day they would get stuck to my eyes. The worst was that I developed some very irrational OCD symptoms. After and unnerving trip to the grocery store where I struggled to leave the body care aisle, fearful that I had deeply offended the items I didn’t buy by not having chosen them to take home, I knew something was up. That night I had heart palpitations and tightness in my chest. I then proceeded to yell at my husband for ten minutes (which, by the way, was completely uncalled for on my part) after which I finally confessed my grocery store experience. As I was admitting how miserable--mind and body--I had felt over the past 3 days, it dawned on me, the list of side effects. Steven had read them too and was forming the same conclusion. The hormones were making me crazy.

I said, “Oh my God, that’s what’s wrong with my contacts!” I had been planning to go to the eye doctor to have my prescription checked. After five months with the same contact lens Rx, my eyes seemed to be going haywire.

“Go off of it,” we agreed.

Within about three days I felt largely normal. I started taking my herbs and supplements once again and added the more expensive herb into the mix. The hit in the pocketbook didn’t feel so great, but I do. Truth be told, I would give almost anything to not have anxiety. I will even live with night sweats and whacko cycles.

Since I have had the privilege of starting menopause early, I will be granted the added benefit of experiencing it for a longer period of time. It’s only fair. That puts me at about half way through according to a woman I recently met who also went through precocious menopause. (See. PM is not that rare.) So I should be a seasoned expert when all my age mates begin to feel the burn. Feel free to call.

But ladies, I have diverged from my intended point. As in most situations the future of the world is in our hands. You must do your part to halt global warming. I am not suggesting at the first hint of power rising up through your chests that you all go jump off bridge (no matter how appealing that idea will seem at the time.) Instead, I suggest you see your herbalist or naturopath and call every one of your women friends over the age of 50 for a little sympathy. Because the only things that are going to save this world from overheating and you from losing your mind is black cohosh, chaste tree berry, a pint of Purely Decadent soy ice cream and lots of girl time!

A special note to the men who stuck with this post until the end: I’m sorry. But this would be a good time for you to make some friends or take up a hobby. You’re going to need somewhere to go from time to time. Good luck.

* I prefer to call premature menopause by its other name, precocious menopause. It’s the difference between saying “you jumped the gun” and “you’re ahead of your time.”

Twilight Saga

As many of you know, I have been reading the Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer. Who can refuse teen vampire fiction. It's like 80's brat pack movies--so ridiculous and yet so seductive. I actually didn't like much about Meyer's first book Twilight except the all too enticing plot. There is never much reason to love or even like the characters, all of whom are underdeveloped. Nor is there much in the way of wordsmithing. Meyer is repetitive and droning when she isn't in the thick of an action sequence. Don't get me wrong. The first three books are worth the read. She is nothing if not a master of plot. But her books were written for the screen not for book snobs like me.

The second and third books, New Moon and Eclipse, are a much better effort on all fronts. Still Meyer is nauseatingly repetitive with regard to the smell of Edward's breath and the marble coldness of his skin. And of course I can hardly bear the constant self-flaggelation that makes liking her main character, Bella, nearly impossible. If you can avoid frustration over these points, books two and three are a great deal more fun.

My profound disappointment was that Stephanie Meyer did not become a better writer as she grew her series. She fails to be concise where she ought to be and to delve into the emotional content of her characters. Book four, the final episode in the series, is a total flop with a cheap ending. I honestly recommend not reading it and just being satisfied with the first three. A comparison between Stephanie Meyer and J.K. Rowling is proposterous. Though in a sense Twilight did "fill my Harry Potter void" for a brief time, Meyer certainly can not be placed on par with the black belt of writing that J.K. Rowling has become. Rowling grew as an author with every installment, while Meyer's seem to flounder and give us more of the same. I wonder if such growth is the result of the tutalage of an experienced editor or simply inherent talent. Regardless, enjoy Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon, but skip Breaking Dawn.

Paradise Park

I just finished reading a book, Paradise Park by Allegra Goodman. Paradise Park is this crazy novel about a young woman, Sharon, who gets stranded by a self-centered, overly serious boyfriend in Hawaii. Virtually penniless, with no one to come to her aid, Sharon continues her quest to find love, community and meaning. At first I thought this novel was insane. How could so much happen to this woman? How could she be so scattered? As the story progressed I thought for sure the author was indeed trying to drive me mad, since the plot didn’t seem to advance and the main character seemed quagmired in blame and victimhood. I like my books the way I prefer my life: neatly packaged and with a point. I felt like screaming, “Connect the dots! For the love of God, connect some dots for me!”

Still in the end, I find that I loved this book. Goodman took me on an amazing, albeit downright bizarre, journey. Through Goodman, Sharon seeks out an identity that she can embrace, but ultimately creates her own, both rich and deeply satisfying. And even though I feel very little relationship with Sharon as a character or personality, I connect with her in the conclusion as someone who has lived largely by her own rules, who has lived a life, balancing regret and acceptance.

This book is certainly worth the read if you are willing to have your mind blown in a less than traditional odyssey.

Everyone Should Here This Song

A month ago, my friend Craig put this song on his blog. I listened to it and instantly fell in love with the reincarnated Colin Hay, formerly of Men At Work. I have since bought the album, Going Somewhere, and have not regretted it.

Every once in awhile I hear a song or read a phrase that captures what it means to be human. This may be the first time for me that an entire album brings fits that bill.

Enjoy.

Confusions about "Health Care" in America

I am utterly amazed at what great misperceptions Americans have about our "health care" system. I hear over and over again how America has the best health care on the planet, how we are so lucky to have access to all the technological breakthroughs, how medication saved my life.

But Americans are kidding themselves or they are blind to the facts. The truth is that we have some of the worst health care in the world for an industrialized nation. America is consistently ranked as one of the worst health care systems for efficacy of developed nations by the World Health Organization (#37). We have made no real strides in the prevention or treatment of cancer for over 30 years. Diabetes is not only more prevalent than ever before, but instances of it have increased 30% amongst 30 somethings in the last 10 years alone. For the first time in many many decades, Americans can expect that their children will live shorter life spans than their parents. Add to that the fact that the 3rd leading cause of death in our country is "medical treatment." We're not talking about a person being on the edge of death and making a last ditch effort at life by electing an experimental surgical procedure. We are talking about 80,000 people dying from hospital borne infection, over 100,000 people dying from medications that were prescibed and taken correctly, 10's of thousands of people dying from being given incorrect medications, unnecessary surgeries and or drug overdoses.

Did you know that 1/3 of Americans are classified as obese? What is obese? It is not 10 pounds of belly fat. It's carrying an additional 30% of your normal body weight around in fat. To put that into perspective, at my height (5'10") I would have to weigh 50 pounds more than my highest healthy weight or 70 pounds more than my lowest healthy weight. That's insane. Obesity is a condition of affluence. We eat way more than we need and we eat too much of the wrong foods promoted by an industry that doesn't care about health. Obesity is also the result of over-confidence in the medical system. We see ads for Lipitor and liposuction. We get the message that any problem we might have, a doctor can fix. But this is just WRONG. This perception is wrong and it ignores the even bigger and more important issues of prevention and quality of life.

Whenever I bring up "socialized" or "single payer" or "universal" healthcare I get one of two reactions. The one I like the most is "hell yea!" The one I like the least is "Then we will end up just like Canada." In actuality, being like Canada on this front wouldn't be so bad, but this is not what the speaker is intending to convey by the comment, I'm sure. Did you know that in countries where medical care is considered a right and therefore is socialized or universalized in one way or another--countries like Canada, UK, France, Germany, the Scandanavian countries, New Zealand, and Japan--that their citizens have a longer life expectancy, lower instance of heart disease and diabetes, and significantly better maternal an fetal outcomes? Did you know that they have MORE (not less) access to technologies that can catch disease in its early stages simply because they do not have to get permission from a health insurance company to do so? Did you know that these countries spend about 1/2 of what Americans spend per capita on health care and the system covers everybody regardless of pre-existing conditions and employment? (Think about that the next time you are switching jobs.)

There are downsides to those systems. An 80 year old man or woman who needs a kidney transplant is not likely to get one if there is a younger person in line. And of course you would actually have to sit down and talk to your doctor, something most of us can only remember doing 25 or 30 years ago. That would be a tough adjustment. And then you would also have to do your part. Doctors in socialized systems teach prevention and are rewarded for having healthy patients and for making sick patients healthy. These doctors expect you to be actively trying to get better. Oh yeah, you also wouldn't be able to walk in and get the free pharmaceutical samples (but a doctor wouldn't have much use for them when drugs are covered.)

I wish I could figure out how so many people, especially over the age of 50, got the idea that if we had universal health care we would have to wait in some Soviet bread line for emercency surgery or urgent treatment. This is baffling to me. Even more baffling is how we can think that not being able to have the surgery at all is better. Being denied service because the health insurance company can find a way around paying for it is an unconscionable disregard for human life, but it happens every day.

Preventive care is a joke in the US. We focus endlessly on vaccinations (including one's that are unnecessary or unsafe) and not at all on nutrition. How can we be so far behind in understanding the effects of nutrition on health. We have overwhelming evidence from decades of study into nutrition. Perhaps when the government has to pay the health care bill of it constituency it will consider that what the food industry lobby is really about is profit and not health. Medical schools don't even bother teaching nutrition at all anymore. The few that do offer about 1 hour of nutrition education in total.

As you can see, I lack confidence in our current system. And I believe that if you don't want socialized medicine in the US then we should get rid of Medicare. Every employed person in the US is paying into socialized medicine for senior citizens. Why not just drop it? Why should a man or woman who can't afford insurance for themselves or their young children have to pay to keep old people alive? That sounds callous. And you know what? It is. But if we can't provide medical care for children and our working class (on whose backs this nation is carried) then perhaps we shouldn't cover anyone at all. (Try telling that to the AARP contingent who votes down socialized medicine over and over again.) Maybe the time has come to value human life from birth to old age. What child doesn't deserve health care as much as their grandparents?

Let's recap: cheaper, more access, catches disease at earlier stages, less maternal death, healthier babies, less need for drugs, skinnier/healthier people, low cost presciption drugs, focus on prevention. Yep! Sounds pretty bad to me.

Sunny Afternoon by the Pool

Usually when someone asks me if I want to get together, I say yes because I love my friends. Then, when I am by myself, in the silence of my own head, the fear creeps in. I am, as only some of you know, mildly agoraphobic. Places outside my comfort zone and/or too many people make me nervous. Do I want to leave the house? Ahhh!

But in the last two years I have been slowly confronting this phobia. I have been challenging myself to accept invitations when I have the time and trying to reach out into my pool of friends and engage my relationships in a greater variety of ways.

The odd bit in all this is that I usually have a great time once I'm with those I love and enjoy. This week we were invited to spend an afternoon at the swimming pool of one of the kids' friends. Many others were invited and I was frantically trying to think of a reason to not go. Alas, I could not find one, so I accepted the invitation and prepared myself for the fear, which didn't really kick in like it used to. The afternoon by the pool was terrific fun. I loved spending time with all of kids' friends and their moms (and a couple of dads.) We talked and swam and appreciated the long awaited summer.

There's a water metaphor in there somewhere. You know, a pool of friends who provide sustenance for and refreshment of the soul; the pool of water doing the same thing for the body. Hmm. Anyway...

I feel a bit triumphant. Not as much fear, loads of enjoyment, and the genuine desire to do it again. Not bad. Let the summer of fun begin.

Old Friends

In a recent post I mentioned an old friend of mine that I had been thinking about and how we find ourselves sometimes by exploring and manifesting that which we are not in our youth. I decided to go looking for that friend and guess what? I found him. He's an attorney. (I recently heard that Americans have 5-7 careers over of the course of their lives. I'm way above that.) I emailed him, but I haven't heard back. Who knows why. I hope he does eventually contact me though.

This year has been a year for getting in touch. Beginning about this time last year I felt driven to contact friends and colleagues from my past. Largely this has been rewarding. There has been revelation, healing, nostalgia and the realization that people can and do change. I hope the trend toward reconnection continues.

Miracles Little and Large

Today I was the proud witness of two miracles. Marshmallows and Mckenzie. Of course marshmallows don't seem like much of a miracle, but today they really brought me out of my everyday perspective and landed me in a less common one. Today, you see, I made homemade marshmallows. Someone told me they tasted better. I think it was Laura. Despite my efforts, I couldn't find a recipe that didn't include gelatin, but I found a highly rated recipe that worked as it said it would. What I find miraculous in all of this nonsense about marshmallows is that someone came up with the idea of marshmallows in the first place. They don't taste very good, and now that I've made them I know why. They are all sugar. Boring! But still, someone heated up sugar and water and corn syrup until it boiled at just the right temperature and then they whipped it up with gelatin for a very long time until it turned into a stiff fluff. Am I the only one who finds that odd? Even if there wee a logical explanation as to how and why they were first made, you would think they would have tasted it and said, "no, not so much" and called it day. Now these largely tasteless bits of puffed sugar are mass produced and sold commercially except they seem to think Blue Lake #40 is an important addition to the mix. Mine looked fine without it. I don't know. I still just think the whole deal is a miracle.

The bigger better miracle though was watching a video of Mckenzie take her first post-op walk. Mckenzie had one of her hind legs surgically removed after Craig found a tumor growing there. The journey has been a rough one for them both, but the video is inspiring to me. No words can convey the joy of witnessing such triumph. If you need a something to lift you out of self-pity and inspire you to press on through adversity, just click the link to Craig's blog on my Cool Links List and see a big miracle for yourself.

Exploring the Negative Space

I got to thinking earlier this evening about an old friend of mine. We met at work and were fast admirers of each other. We talked often and occasionally got together with friends outside of work. My friend came from money. To top it off, he had a brilliant mind which had once been put to use by oil companies looking for new places to drill. Still, somehow, my geophysicist friend ended up working in a tiny audio rental company and mixing music on the side. His attention to music wasn’t just a passing whim either. He pursued it for as long as I knew him and kept track of his career. What can explain the new course?

I believe that our life circumstances build us up around a certain model, an expectation. Our families, friends, our choices and their consequences mold us and bend us and teach us how and who to be. And yet, there can come a time when we find within ourselves this empty spot that cries out to be explored. A negative space wholly unexpected and charged. It wells up in the form of desire and longing, expands us with the heat of life and age, and we begin to know something about ourselves that wasn’t real until we noticed that all the while we were wrapped around it.

Looking back now that I am just a little older than he was then, I realize the massive change that has taken place in the trajectory of my life since my early twenties. I have felt at times like a clay jar that has been shattered. I can feel the places where my walls once stood, but I can also feel the edges where those walls touched nothingness. I feel the shape of that nothingness that longs to be acknowledged and fully known.

I smile at the thought of all of this and at how taking chances on the unknown voice inside me brought me the best friend I’ve ever had and the two greatest joys of creation that I could never have imagined. I sink into contentment, for just an instant.

Dogs That Know When Their Owners Are Coming Home

I have been reading this book about dogs and other animals that have a 6th sense of some kind. I have had many experiences with my oldest that would give me some evidence that this is true. I am awed by his ability to know when my husband's plane is taking off to come home, when his plane arrives or when he is gathering his things at work to come home regardless of the time of day. I love the way he can tell if someone has good or bad intentions even though he can't see them. He's always been a sensitive dog. He even gets mopey before my husband has a trip, hours before a suitcase has been brought out. Its cool to think that some animals are telepathic.

Recently, in our local paper, a cat was profiled that lives in a retirement facility. That cat seems to know when people are going to die. (Bit spooky) It lays on the bed of the person who is going to die about 2 hours before the passing. It happens enough that these incidents can not be just a coincidence. There is a knowing involved. What kind? I'm not sure, but its interesting. Worth looking into. Worth acknowledging when you meet a furry critter on the street or in someone's home.

Do you have any cool stories about an intuitive pet?

The Space Between

My friend Brian called a few months ago to say that he is getting married. (The wedding is scheduled for later this month.) Before I had hung up the phone, I had begun composing a short bit on my best marriage advice to give the newlyweds. I finally checked my punctuation and added a poem that I wrote for my own husband.

The Space Between

I have been to a lot of weddings and a common theme among many of them is “two become one.” At first glance, I have to admit, its quite a romantic notion. Who doesn’t want to feel that after their long wandering in the desert of life alone that they will be solaced with a wholeness found in marriage to a soulmate?

Now, after two marriages and a little life experience, I’m guessing that it had to be someone who was never married that came up with that one. No matter how hard we try to throw two whole human beings into some sacred Hermaphroditus, it just doesn’t hold up over time. Why? I think the answer lies in the question, “Who will support you when you can not stand, if you are one?”

And yet so many of us begin marriage with the idea in our heads that we are one with our partners. It hurts to move apart especially when you feel that such a contract has been broken. To change in different ways, when no space has been left between you, when indeed you were to be one, is frightening. And yet it is inevitable. Sooner or later, we all hear the deep call of the self asking to have its needs met. Is it not better then to leave the space between you from the start?

Our bodies are mostly made up of the space between. Swirling clouds of electrons make momentary appearances and leave so much of their globe-like orbits uninhabited. And then there is the space between those orbits and between them and the nucleus. But what occurs in this space between is miraculous. This is where attraction exists, electricity, the powerful bonds of agreement that make this world seem solid and real.

When two lovers first meet, their first enjoyment is not in falling into each other’s embrace. Their first enjoyment, the one that makes the meaningful embrace possible, derives from the space between them. It is in the attraction, the chemistry that pulls them closer and, with agreement, creates a bond over time. If two become one, where can this electricity between two souls reside? Where is commitment to find a home and to be strengthened?

In maintaining the space between, you leave room for the holy to enter into your relationship, as a guide and a comforter. You also allow each other the opportunity to attend to individual spiritual, emotional and intellectual needs. In turn this personal growth is brought back and shared providing the relationship with vigor and the partner with renewed interest.

Instead of oneness of being, let your oneness be of purpose. Let your call to one another be, “Come be with me the first two pillars of this home we will call our family.” Move together like the two wings of a dove. Each wing must possess the strength to press against the current and each must take its turn to steer; but ultimately they share the common goal, to keep the bird aloft. As Kahlil Gibran says, “Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone/ Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

The Space Between, a poem for my husband:

There is a gentle buoyant rift between your pulse and mine,
A canyon of beating drums and celebration,
Where you are yourself and I am myself, together.
The space between lays over loss
Holds the place of mourning for the mourner.
Through this gateway God enters
And then leaves us to our love.
What will we do with it when the Nameless One is gone?
The space between—
Will we empty it out
Or fill it with the ten thousand things?
Or could we dance there
In the space between
Where you are yourself and I am myself together.

Gluten Free does not = Health Food

Oh my dear sweet friends! Gluten free food is not always healthy. It just doesn't contain wheat, rye, barley or gluten containing oats. In fact, much in the way of gluten free baked goods contain more fat and sugar than those made with wheat. I eat gluten free because I am gluten intolerant. Eating this way keeps me from getting sick. If anything, a gluten free diet keeps me healthier because I eat less refined carbohydrates, partly because my access to them is limited.

Lays plain potato chips are gluten free as are Fritos, Cheetos and Staxx. Do you see what I'm getting at? Comfort food, GF or not, is usually not healthy for the body, but it some cases it can work wonders on the soul.

The Summer of...Fun?

Okay, here I am admitting to all of you that as the school year is coming to a close I am already anticipating the beginning of the next one. "Why?" you might ask. Well, remember how, about 10 months ago, I was crying over leaving my kids at school and feeling so empty? News flash: I love my time to myself. Though the hours aren't many, my "free" time has been absolutely sensational. This past week, the end of all of that came frighteningly into view. I don't want to give it up. To make matters worse, all the camps I was hoping to put the kids into are either full or not really as ideal as they seemed.

This woman needs some help/advice. I will, without a doubt, be registering the kids for camps early next year, maybe as early as January. But this summer is a big blank slate. What should I do with my kids this summer and how do I get some free time? Words of wisdom are being sought from all corners. What do you do? What does your neighbor/best friend/sister/mother/uncle/cousin do with their kids over the summer? Help!

Parenthood on Grocery Day

Every other Friday I do a mega shopping spree for two weeks worth of groceries. I used to go to 5 stores in one day, which my dear friend Craig has been subjected to, God bless him. Now, with my sanity in mind, I do the two little stores on Wed and the "big 3" on Friday. That I do this baffles many, including Craig who seems to think you can find everything worth having in one store. (He's in the majority.) But the truth is, I'm a food snob. In order to eat the way I want to eat, i.e. fresh, local, organic (and affordable,) I have to shop at more than one store. So every other Friday I head out in the early morning to Trader Joes and Whole Foods. Then I pick up the kids and we go to the Market of Choice.

Today, however, the routine got buggered up because of a school inservice day. When I woke to the sound of rain (again) and the swooshing of wind through the trees, my heart sank. This was not the bright start I was hoping for. I tried on 3 different outfits, all to go grocery shopping mind you, and then I fussed with my hair. I said to myself in the mirror, "This is NOT going to be one of THOSE days!" Maybe you know what I mean. That day when everything you put on makes you seem fat or sallow or jaundiced. That day when your hair, no matter how much "product" you put in it or how many types of irons you shape it with, would still only attract a Yeti--at least to your way of thinking. Well that was this day for me.

This type of day can be remedied in only one way that I know of--staying home in my jammies, reading a book, writing something, drinking tea and eating salty snacks. Any other approach will just make it worse and, most definitely, going to 3 grocery stores with my two kids will make it miserable.

"Can I have..." "Can I have..." "I'm hungry, can I have..." "Please, can I just have..." "Are we almost done?" "I don't want to..." Interspersed with "Don't touch that." "Please stop taking things off the shelves." "That's glass. Put it down." "No you can't taste that. Its not gluten free." "Please, for the love of God and all that's holy, stop crawling on the floor, stop grabbing things and NO you may NOT push the cart!"

Patience was coming at a premium by store 3 and soon I stopped responding at all when they asked for something. Not my shining moment as a parent, I grant you, but this was self-preservation. When I wrangled all the bags and kids into the car, I pumped up the volume on Cannonball (Damien Rice--see below) and made conversation impossible. Then I remembered that I forgot to pick up the fish. Of course the phone rang twice and that about sent me through the roof. But you know what? I still answered it! Can you believe that? Pavlov's dog reincarnated. One of the calls came from someone telling me that they had some free sheep's milk yogurt if the kids and I wanted to try it. (Sheep's milk yogurt is not easy to come by, not to mention the $.) I mentally scheduled stop number 5 right after the fish market.

On the final leg home, when the kids had all but given up trying to communicate with me, something happened. Silence happened. All the sounds of the world were there, my focus remained on driving, but there was silence of some glorious, heavenly type that is rare for the parent. And in that silence, I remembered to take care of myself, which I hadn't been doing. I realized how long it has been since I wrote something. So, I made a plan. Get home, unload the groceries, go to my room and write this blog while drinking a hot cup of decaf and eating blue corn tortilla chips (forgot the Lay's potato chips at the store) and delicious gluten free, dairy free, egg free oreo-style cookies that were miraculously made from pea flour. (Kinnikinick sp? for all you GFs) They've been popping in now and again, mostly to make sure that I am still here, that I still love them. I am and I do. I am starting to find my smile now and I might just be ready to face being a mom again in time to make some dinner.

Before you become a parent, you can't possibly know what you are going to give up to be one, a good one anyway. You can't know until you're there, in the thick of it, and by then it is too late. If you are any kind of mensch, you keep on giving what you've got and find a means of savoring the sweetness and vivacity that only children can supply. You let wonder fill you up; you let love change you. And if you are smart, you go sit in your room, on your bed, under your snuggly covers, with a bowl full of chips and cookies, reading or writing every once in awhile.

Barack Is Not An Elitist (from an earlier letter)

Dear Friends,

Though I know you might be expecting a letter about spiritual practice as it relates to loving well, I find that I must deviate from course for just a moment and illustrate something that I have spoken about in my letters to you.

In recent days I have watched the press take stabs at Barack Obama over comments that he made regarding Americans, and in particular Pennsylvanians, becoming bitter over the economic injustices that affect the vast majority of us. These comments, while perhaps poorly worded, are true in my experience. Americans are bitter. They may not all be bitter about the same issues, but they are all struggling in some way to create or maintain some financial stability in their lives. Whether its health care costs, soaring fuel and food prices, lower paying or non-existent jobs, or the fact that you just can’t hardly buy anything made in America anymore, we are frustrated. I would even say that I am afraid. We are so far removed from the state of our own oppression that we are willing to be side-tracked by a few words misspoken.

How can we be so blind? Barack Obama has been consistently a man of character and compassion. His speech is generally eloquent for sure. But have we listened? His message is ever more so. It is a message about loving well. You can see that this is true because he does not discount the poor, the rich, the white, the red, the brown, the yellow or the black, the Christian, the Jew, the Muslim, the Buddhist or the Atheist. We are all one people, one human race with the same basic needs for food, clean air and water, shelter, safety and healthcare. Barack sees that our basic requirements for life have been and are being encroached upon by those who live in a state of plenty.

Despite a message of love, sacrifice, and equality, some see fit to call him an elitist. What could be more erroneous? Does the fact that he has an ivy league education make him an elitist? My husband does too. Hmmm. No I don’t think it’s that. In fact, when Barack could have taken a high profile, high salary job, he instead chose to become a community organizer in an area of forgotten and despairing citizens. He did not sit on the board of a major corporation, or go jet shopping with his heiress wife. Barack doesn’t have to pretend to be one of the people because he IS one of the people. In his person is manifested the bridge between our diverse populations.

So will we content ourselves with sound bites, measure the man in a single moment? By the measure of your own judgment, so shall you be judged. Who among us has not a single moment of error that if taken in isolation would be the undoing of us? No one is perfect, nor ought they be expected to be. God does not demand that of us and we should not demand it of each other. Do not be fooled when the speck in one man’s eye is offered as a distraction from the log in another’s. Don’t let a misspoken truth steer your attention away from the real injustices in our country and in our world.

A real injustice is that our current administration has not just abandoned the working class, it has abandoned all of those for whom our Christian foundation commands us to care. In the book of James it says, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” (1:27) In this verse, as in many others, widows and orphans act as a symbol for all those who have no voice or means. James urges us in this passage to advocate and provide for those without protection or livelihood. In doing so we are more clearly reflecting God’s love into the world. For too long, our government has ignored those without a voice or means. Barack has taken up the mantle of this increasing demographic. I believe he has proven his sincerity and offered a much needed hope to those of us who are overwhelmed by fear and need.

So I offer you this letter as a call to righteous anger, not just for those who would attempt to denigrate a champion of the downtrodden, but for those who steal from you everyday and for a government that sits idly by and allows it. In chapter two, James says:

My brothers and sisters, do you with your acts of favoritism really believe in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ? For if a person with gold rings and in fine clothes comes into your assembly, and if a poor person in dirty clothes also comes in, and if you take notice of the one wearing the fine clothes and say ‘Have a seat here, please,’ while to the other one who is poor you say, ‘Stand there,’ or ‘Sit at my feet,’ have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my beloved brothers and sisters. Has not God chosen the poor in the world to be rich in faith and to be heirs of the kingdom that he has promised to those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor. Is it not the rich who oppress you? Is it not they who drag you into court? Is it not they who blaspheme the excellent name that was invoked over you? You do well if you really fulfill the royal law according to the scripture, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ But if you show partiality, you commit sin and are convicted by the law as a transgressor. (2:1-9)

There are some who would have you believe that someone who makes millions (or billions) of dollars and lives a life of luxury is somehow better and more worth defending, assisting and knowing. But this is so far from the truth, my friends. Those who grow and harvest your food, clean your water, teach your children, pick up your trash, build your houses, fight for the salmon, the spotted owl and the wolf—these people guarantee you your life in one way or another. And yet they have been largely forgotten by this administration. Barack has made a place at the table for them and for you and even for the fat cats who live off the sweat our backs. I am not asking any of you to vote for Barack--even though you know I think you should. What I am asking is that you see him for who he is and for what he has consistently given of himself. If you do this, I think you will find it difficult to believe what his detractors say.

Love Letters - Part III Learning to Love Yourself Well

Today, as I was planning to write, I felt a deep questioning. Who am I to be talking about love? This week I don’t feel so loving. It’s not that I am feeling hate, but rather I feel tired and complaisant and just a bit blah. I haven’t slept enough lately or taken enough relaxing baths. I haven’t been writing. That in itself is a sure sign that my heart is just not in this thing called life. “Calgon, take me away!”

But then…I stopped to consider what my topic was and in a flash everything about writing to you suddenly made sense. “Practice self-love and care” is the next topic. The work of months ago is a good reminder for me today.

Part III

“If needed an oxygen mask will drop from above your seat. To start the flow of oxygen firmly pull the mask toward you and extend the plastic tubing. Place the mask over your nose and mouth; place the elastic band over your head and tighten the strap as necessary. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen will flow to the mask. Secure your mask before helping others.” --airline safety instructions


In order to love well you must:
· Practice self-love and care

So what is all this business about loving yourself. I thought love was supposed to be selfless, self-sacrificing. For most girls this idea often replaces even the natural instinct to self-preservation. We are taught to nurture and care for everyone, everyone but ourselves that is. And I have found it easier to throw myself into the fire of maternal martyrdom than to take a few minutes for myself.

But this life of endless self-sacrifice is not sustainable, and not just for me, not just for women. A lack of attention to the needs of the self undermines the basic biblical commands of Judaism and Christianity. “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Leviticus 19:18) and “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31) In hearing these quoted over and over again all my life, at no point did I stop to consider that loving another was predicated on my loving myself. Truly, what does it mean to love your neighbor as yourself if you do not love yourself?

A particularly applicable Jewish proverb goes like this “To get wisdom is to love oneself; to keep understanding is to prosper.” (Proverbs 19:8) What I believe this author is saying is that in order to have this much esteemed quality of wisdom, we must know and attend to ourselves. To continue that attention enables us to function fully in the world. You have probably heard it said, that you can not drink from an empty well. So I have found that it is difficult to love others well when I am not understanding the concept of loving myself well first.

So what does it mean to love yourself? The very question brings fear of something I am desperate not to become—self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic. But I have learned through the example of the great teachers and through my own experience, that this attitude or revulsion toward self-love is a distraction that pulls us away from a deeper relationship with God.

I, like many others, had constructed an understanding of myself and my nearness to God which is both faulty and incomplete. My understanding was focused on my being flawed, unworthy and unlovable. I believe I saw myself in this way in part as a result of my Christian upbringing.

Before anyone is in an uproar over that statement, let me explain. I consider myself a Christian, not because I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, because I don’t. Rather, I consider myself a Christian because I was raised in the cultural deeps of the Protestant ethic and because I believe in the sage wisdom of Jesus, the prophet of God. As a grown woman, I love God. But the God of my youth is not the loving God that I discovered in my adulthood. The God of my youth stood in judgment, just waiting until the final days to release my soul to a fire-filled hell. And despite my best efforts, I could never deserve his love. I could never be worthy of his love. I was too sinful, too broken, too lost, too female, too faithless. And so I was caught between a rock and hard place. I felt unworthy of God’s love and I felt it was pointless to try to be good enough. If God knew what was in my heart, he knew that I did not believe in a virgin birth, could not say that I believed Jesus died for my sins and that his death and resurrection washed my sin away if only I’d just believe. So I felt judged. I was damned. I decided not to bother trying to be better, even though I knew in my heart that God wanted so much more for my life. So I went on hating myself, all the while searching for the God who could take me just as I am, who could love me despite my disbelief and who would save me even if I couldn’t muster the spiritual courage to reach upward for his hand.

I found that God. I found him in the Jesus of the canonical gospels and the Jesus of the Gnostic gospels. I found him as he flowed through Baha’u’llah and in the Nothingness of the Buddha’s teaching. I found God and my life changed course.

I love the story in the book of John about the adulterous woman who is brought before Jesus as a test. There is a crowd of self-righteous men passing judgment upon her. That judgment was death. Jesus said, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” (John 8:7) At this, even the most pious person walked away. In that moment Jesus made it clear to her and, more importantly to the witnesses gathered about, that he had more to say than “don’t kill her.” He did something more incredible, incredible because it was averse to Jewish law. He lifted her up; he presented her as the spiritual equal of those who were readying to throw the stones. Later in John, Jesus says, “You judge by human standards. I judge no one.” (John 8:15) I say ‘amen.’ There is a great deal more here than mercy or forgiveness. Here is Grace.

So I get to start over again. I get to start over with Grace on my side and knowing that I am your spiritual equal and you are mine. I know that I am loved and forgiven even when I act poorly or feel faithless, even when I turn my back on God in anger or grief. I find myself motivated by this boundless love to be a better person, to give to others what has been given to me.

Still in order to reflect this great love into the world, it seems that the great teachers say the same thing over and over again. You must take care of yourself first. This includes:
1) attending to our basic physical needs so that we have energy to do good work
2) making efforts to understand our inner state of being, which includes our inner dialogue and motivations (such as fears and desires) so that we can see the right path and know when we require assistance
3) deepening our spiritual selves/connection to God so that we can hear divine guidance and more clearly reflect God’s/pure love into the world.

A story that illustrates the first point is one regarding a prince named Sakyamuni. When Sakyamuni saw that there was suffering in the world, he was deeply despairing. And so he left his lavish palace behind in search of the answers to death and suffering. In the course of his journey he met a group of ascetics who taught to him that in order to attain the highest understanding he must not take food, among other things. And so Sakyamuni meditated all the while starving himself until one day he collapsed. As the story goes, a milk maid found him there and, attempting to revive him, gave him some milk. Each day Sakyamuni grew stronger as he accepted the milk and rice that the woman brought. When he was well enough he sat beneath a great Banyan tree on a bed of straw, provided by a young herdsman. There he meditated accepting food and drink and the comfort of the straw until he became enlightened. At this point he was renamed the Buddha, the awakened one. What would our world look like if the Buddha, after having been saved by the young milk maid, went back to starving himself? This story illustrates for us the necessity of caring for oneself and accepting help from others in doing so. Practically speaking, we all need to respect our manifested selves by eating healthy food, getting adequate rest, and exercising. Likewise, we ought to show gratitude and appreciation for the bodies we were given by thinking positively about them and by not abusing them with drugs, alcohol, overeating, self-mutilation and the like. It is unfortunate that we have to be reminded of such basic attentions.

The second point, ‘know thyself’, is more difficult in my opinion. It requires constant vigilance and, in some cases, in depth study. Perhaps the best thing I ever did for myself was to go through psychotherapy. The process was lengthy and expensive, but it was worth every minute. During this time I was able to peel back my inner layers and uncover the root of my fears, unmask my motivations, and demystify the patterns in my relationships. In the center of so much of my anxiety and unhappiness was me. This reminds me of a poem by the Sufi mystic Rumi:

Don’t go off sightseeing.
The real journey is right here.
The great excursion starts from exactly where you are.
You are the world.
You have everything you need.
You are the secret.
You are the wide opened.

Don’t look for the remedy for your troubles outside yourself.
You are the medicine.
You are the cure for your own sorrow.

That is not to say that events beyond your control don’t happen. Of course they do. What this means is that I have the power to control the inner dialogue that I have with myself that tells me that I am not okay, that enables me in destructive relationships or patterns, that constructs a reality of mistrust and emotional violence. Life will continue to happen, but when you begin to understand how you function energetically in your world, you will begin to live with the flow of life rather than being bowled over by it, drowned by it, or constantly swimming against it.

I am not necessarily suggesting that everyone run out and find a psychotherapist. A therapist could be useful, but a pastor, spiritual guide or good friend can be a great person to reflect with or get advice from when you are struggling to know yourself. I would also suggest Eckhart Tolle. From what I have read of his work, he is very adept at teaching this point and providing a jumping off point for this type of self-awareness. There are many religious and spiritual writings that can also serve this function. In general, if you simply slow down long enough to listen to your self-talk in times of trouble, you will begin to unravel the threads of the veil that stands between you and love.

Doing the work of attending to my own inner self is a heck of a lot harder than attending to someone else’s problems. Jesus reminds us over and over again not to judge others, but he also warns against helping others to solve their problems before we have solved our own. In Matthew he says:

Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye. (7:3-5)

Sounds a lot like those airline safety instructions, huh?

Before I move on I also want to point out a popular misconception about loving others well that relates to loving yourself well. Loving others well does not preclude you from setting boundaries. If, for instance, you are in an abusive relationship—physically, emotionally or psychologically—your love for that person does not mean that you must continue the relationship as it is, or at all. In fact, making the best choice for yourself may end up being the best choice for the other person as well. Enabling yourself or another to continue in an unhealthy behavior does not encourage change in either party. Even when God calls us to love and work among those who are deeply troubled, God is not asking us to be a punching bag. Taking care of ourselves enables us to reach out.

The next part in loving yourself well is deepening your spiritual connection to the Source of your being. How we deepen that relationship is a persistent question. The short answer is to develop a spiritual practice. As I mentioned in the beginning of this series of letters, the parts of this process are all interrelated. Because I thought it was valuable to explore the idea of spiritual practice in greater detail myself, I listed it separately. But even so, I am hoping that you will remember (should I forget to say it again) that having a spiritual practice is an integral part of loving yourself well. If you forget, don’t worry. I forget about spiritual practice all the time.

For now I will leave you to your journeys. I hope that you will all join me in an attempt to love yourselves a little better. Speak more kindly to yourself. Take time to get to know who you are. Ask for what you need. And know that you are loved, most especially by me.

T